Major Payne
Major Payne is a 1995 American military comedy film directed by Nick Castle and starring Damon Wayans, who wrote with Dean Lorey and Gary Rosen. The film co-stars Karyn Parsons, Steven Martini, and Michael Ironside. It is a loose remake of the 1955 film The Private War of Major Benson, starring Charlton Heston. Major Payne was released in the United States on March 24 and grossed $30 million. Wayans plays a hardened military officer who, after being discharged, attempts to lead a dysfunctional group of youth cadets to victory in a competition.
1m1s
Why are you here ? The R.O.T.C. program. I understand you've been placin' last, eight years runnin' in the Virginia Military Games. - I am here to remedy that. We have an R.O.T.C. program ? - The green boys, sir. - Oh, right. Between us, I don't care what you do with those boys, as long as you keep them out of my hair. Is that all ? - Oh ! Would you like a tour of the campus ? No. I'd like to see my men. Fall in ! Move it, you idiots ! Let's go ! Come on, Williams ! Let's move it. Get a hop on it, boy ! Mo-o-o-o-ve ! Fall in, everyone ! Fall in ! Let's go ! Come on, people ! Mo-o-o-ve ! Hustle, hustle, hustle ! Let's go. Giddyap ! Giddyap, let's go !
Major Payne
1m26s
My name is Major Benson Winifred Payne ! As of 0800... I am replacin' Major Frankfurt... as your commanding officer ! See now, what we have here... is a failure to communicate. Do... not... attempt... to challenge... my... authority ! I have eight weeks to turn you gaggle of maggots... into a well-disciplined cadet unit. From this day forward, your sorry asses belong to me. You will not eat, sleep, drink, blow your nose, or even dig in your butts without my say-so ! Know this: Killin' is my business, ladies, and business is good ! - Yoo-hoo ! - What ? I have to go to the bathroom. - You hold it, turd. - I can't ! I said hold it, or I'll break that off... and kick it around on the ground.
Major Payne
1m3s
Now, be advised, ladies, - we are going to win the Virginia Military Games ! - I said win: Whiskey, Indian, November. Get used to the sound of that word ! - Major Payne ! - What, boy ? What, what, what ? I did somethin' bad. - You nasty little worm ! Go change your Huggies, boy, and be back here pronto ! Stop that cryin' ! You'll get no pity from me ! You think your tears'll stop Charlie from takin' his bayonet... - and stickin' it in your little tiny heart ? - What the hell was that, you little freckle-faced cartoon ? Did I give you permission to sneeze, Opie ? - No, sir. - Then you hold it in, you big-eared turd, - otherwise I'll kick your ass back to Mayberry !
Major Payne
1m15s
What are you laughin' at, pig-boy ? You find a piece of candy in your pocket ? - No, sir ! - What's your name, tubby ? - H-Heathcoat, sir ! - Heathcoat. You know, you remind me of the doughboy. If I poke your stomach will it make you go You know what ? I'm gonna help you make room for lunch, bacon-boy. Drop down, give me 30 situps right now ! Let's go ! Count 'em out ! Let me see that belly roll ! - One, tubby, tubby ! - One, sir. - Come on, pork chop ! - Two, chubby, chubby ! - Two, sir. Whoo ! You's a pure genius ! Who you ? Redd Foxx ? No, better yet. You Richard Pryor, ain't you ? Whoo ! What's your name, girlfriend ? Dwight Williams, but the boys call me "D," sir. - You can call me D. - D, hmm ? Yeah, brother. - You like the way I handle these white boys, D ? - Oh, yeah ! It make you feel good to see a black man runnin' things, huh ? - Malcolm X. - Well, let me tell you somethin', D. - Yeah, brother ? - Why don't you come closer. I... am not... your damn brother ! Now drop down, give me 20 squat thrusts now !
Major Payne
1m12s
One, sir. What are you lookin' at, ass-eyes ? - Nothing, sir ! - You plottin' on me, boy ? - No, sir ! - Well, let me tell you somethin', ass-eyes. Let me tell you all somethin': War has made me very paranoid ! And when a man gets to eyeballin' me, it make my Agent Orange act up, and I get the urge to kill ! - Do you understand me ? - Sir, yes, sir ! - Do you all understand me ? - Sir, yes, sir ! - I can't hear you. - Sir, yes, sir ! And what is your damage, muscle-head ? You stupid ? You ignorant, or you just plain ol' deaf ? Yes, sir. Actually, he is deaf. Oh. Thank you. Now drop down, give me 25 more... for speakin' out of line ! - One, sir. - I'm sorry, Mr. Handicapped Man. I didn't mean to offend you. Do you speak sign language ? Can you read lips ? Let me break it down. If you don't answer me when I speak to you, I'm goin' put my foot in your ass ! Is that clear, dummy ? Sir, yes, sir.
Major Payne
25.6s
Hello, gorgeous. Welcome to my party. You know, you're out of uniform there, Mr. Fonzarelli. Yeah, well, uh, l-l like this look better, General-- - Admiral-- whatever. - It's Major, boy. Oooh. Looks like... we got another major on our hands here, guys. - Oooh ! - Ha-ha ! - Major, ooh, a major !
Major Payne
36.4s
From now on, my little group of scrotum sacs, you will strive to be like me. You will walk like me, talk like me, and until you win those games, you will be bald like me ! Way to go this time, Alex. Dotson, take these men for two hours of P.T. ! Yes, sir ! First exercise will be the side straddle hop ! - Side straddle hop. - Squad. Ready. One, two, three. Come on, bacon-boy ! Come on !
Major Payne