Dirty Grandpa
Dirty Grandpa is a 2016 American buddy sports romantic sex comedy film about a lawyer who drives his grandfather to Florida during spring break. The film was directed by Dan Mazer and written by John Phillips. It stars Robert De Niro and Zac Efron in the leading roles, with Aubrey Plaza, Zoey Deutch, Julianne Hough and Dermot Mulroney in supporting roles. It was filmed on location in Atlanta from January 19 to May 9, 2015. The film was theatrically released on January 22, 2016, by Lionsgate. It grossed $105 million worldwide, and received negative reviews by critics, several of whom called it the worst film they had ever seen.
21.3s
27.1s
Thanks for doing this, by the way. Those fuckheads down at the DMV took my goddamn license away because of these fucking cataracts in my eye. But I can still hit the shit out of a golf ball, that's for sure! I made a tee time for us in Florida for this afternoon. You can use your grandmother's lady clubs, they're right there by the front door. Okay. All right, you ready? I thought the plan was to have breakfast here? That's your breakfast. Now let's go get in that giant labia you drove up in and get the fuck out of here.
Dirty Grandpa
1m7s
So you're a lawyer at your dad's firm now, is that right? That's right, and Meredith is too. You know, her dad is one of the managing partners there, so... - I know, that's... - Yeah. It couldn't have worked out better. Because it's just that I remember when you were in high school, you told me how much you wanted to be a photographer, travel the world. That sort of thing. You remember when I got you that subscription to Time magazine? Yeah, I used to be into photography, but, um... I mean, with Dad being at the firm, pfft, it just made so much more sense to focus on a college curriculum that stressed the law school track. I mean, I love what I do, Grandpa. Being a corporate lawyer is awesome, I get to handle SEC compliance... - No shit! - Yeah. Yeah. You handle SEC compliance? - LP agreements. - Oh, man, I didn't know that. - LLC agreements. - You're shitting me! Being a corporate lawyer, it's got its upsides. - You know what I'd rather do? - What? I'd rather let Queen Latifah shit in my mouth from a fucking hot air balloon. That's me. I'm gonna hit the liquor store over there, get some more of the creature. Meet you back at the Dildomobile in five. You're paying the check, Alan Douche-owitz.
Dirty Grandpa
1m7s
Where do I know that guy from? He looks so familiar. He looks like Abercrombie fucked Fitch. Mmm, yeah, while J.Crew J'd-off. Shit! No, you guys, he was... It's so funny. He was my lab partner in photography class, freshman year. No shit! He's a Florida alum? Lenore, you can totally finish the trifecta. Oh, my God, I already have alum, remember? I fucked that crying divorced guy, Tony. - With the big balls. - Right. Yeah. - In the porta-potty. - Yeah. - At the tailgate. - Yeah. I need a professor. Wait, I'm sorry. What's the trifecta again? It's this thing I read about where in my senior year I have to fuck a freshman, an alumni, and a professor. - Where did you read that? - In my diary. Hmm. - Where I wrote it... - Yeah. He used to take the most beautiful portraits without using any filters or Photoshop... - I've read your diary. - He was amazing. Oh, my God, you did? - Yeah. - Did you like it? You guys aren't listening. I'm gonna go say hi to him. Okay? - Slut... - Cool... I hope you don't get Tommy Hilfingered. That was really late, but it still counts. Just like all my periods... - Ew. - What?
Dirty Grandpa
1m3s
You all set? Yeah, I just gave my money to the other waitress, sorry. There is no other waitress. I'm the only one who's ever worked here. Ever... Shit! The fucking piece of shit car never starts! Hey! God, he's like a Mitt Romney Terminator. Excuse me! Uh, sorry, my shift is actually over, so... Sorry... - Oh, no way. - What? - I know you. - No. Yeah, I do. You were in my photography class. You took all those landscapes. Right? - Shadia. - Yeah. Shadia. Holy shit, you're Shadia? - Yeah. Shadia. - Shadia. - Jamba! - What the fuck! Shadia. It means "singer" in Arabic. Or in ancient Arabic, "al-munshida alati tunadi lel-mei." Or, "she whose name calls others to water." - That's actually right. - Uh, Shadia, this is my... Dr. Richards. I teach history at the University of Georgia. You're a professor? Yeah. Why? You looking for some extra credit?
Dirty Grandpa
1m21s
Jason and I are doing a story on the Middle East. He's a photographer for Time magazine. You know, I lost my virginity at my pop-pop's bingo night. My name's Lenore. Ah! "The rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore" Quoth the Raven, 'Nevermore'" - Diplomaticos, huh? - Hey, you know your cigars. What are you, half Cuban or something? Actually, I am, professor. - The bottom half. - Okay. Okay, yeah, we're heading out. - Yeah. - Good to see you. We're going to Daytona Beach for the week. Oh, my God, and we should have been there three fucking hours ago... ...so let's go, bitches! - Holy shit. - What? Nothing. You're just really gay. Oh, am I? Thanks, Captain Gaydar. Jesus! You know, I'm also black, right? Yeah, I know. That's funny too. So you guys wanna tag along for a bit maybe? Party some babies into us? - Absolutely not! - Absolutely not! - Why? - We have a very important tee time. Of course you do. And do you also have to take a nap before you play Mahjong? - No, it's shuffleboard. - Shuffleboard. And then early dinner at 4:00. We have a long-standing bet. Who's the better golfer. Obviously I've got the bigger 3-wood... Good. Maybe you can use it to hit your balls right into my vagina. - Holy shit! - Okay, we're going inside now. - Jesus! - Let's go. That's enough. - Bye, professor. - Thanks for lunch. Peace!
Dirty Grandpa
1m31s
Well? How do I look? Like the keynote speaker at a butt-fucking convention. - What? - What? We're gonna write in the first hole, it's an easy par-4. - No, no, no, no. Hey... - Jump in. - This is against the rules, Grandpa. - Fuck the rules. Jump in. Come on. Not to mention, a breach in golf etiquette. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep! - Whoa! Hey! - Out of my way, butt-fuckers! Really? What are you doing? We gotta get this guy to his butt-fucking convention. What are you trying to do, man? What was that all about? Hey. Now there's a million-dollar swing! I'm sorry! Um... You can go in front of us if you want to. We are not very good. No, it's a good cut, you're just not bending your knees enough. I'm a licensed golf pro. You mind if I show you? Yes, please. Maybe bend over a little bit... Here. That feels about right, doesn't it? Hands on my shaft... The shaft. Let me just get my finger in there. One, two, three... Oh! Oh, my God! Did you see that? Thank you! How long have you been teaching golf? Ever since I retired from being an astronaut. It's nice to see some heavenly bodies around here too. Hey, Grandpa, don't you think we should probably start golfing soon... - What the fuck? - Wanna be a lamb and get that for me? - Did he just call you "Grandpa"? - Who, Pepe? He's a retard. Got it pretty bad, too. He thinks I'm his grandpa. He usually sits at home just drawing dolphins all day. We used to let him out on his own, but the raping got so bad that we just...
Dirty Grandpa
35.3s
Got it. - You guys want a refill? - Sure. - Absolutely! - BRB! I'm sorry about my grandpa. He's, um... He's not doing too well. My grandma just passed and the funeral was yesterday. Oh... I'm actually a lawyer, not a retard. I handle of lot of important issues. SEC compliance, LLC agreements. LP agreements. That sort of stuff. Yeah, um, well, I think we're gonna get going. - Nice to meet you, Pepe. - Nice...
Dirty Grandpa
1m47s
Fuck! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What happened? Why are they going? What did you do? What? I told them the truth. I told them that I'm getting married next week, and you're not well because your wife just died. What are you, fucking vagina repellent? Those cougars wanted to party! - They wanted to party? - Yes! Do you hear yourself? Grandpa, are you kidding me right now? Grandma... I'm trying to listen to myself. Grandma's funeral was yesterday! Now you wanna hit on college girls? You're jerking off to porn? - What's wrong with you? - Jason, I want to fuck! Oh, my God... For the first time in 40 years I'm single and I want to fuck. I want to fuck until my dick falls off. I want to fuck a horse and I wanna drink its blood! I'm gonna throw up. I was faithful to your grandmother every day for 40 years, even through the menopause, even through the cancer. She was the love of my life. I'll miss her every goddamn day. But she told me on her deathbed, "You get back out there again." I haven't had sex in 15 years, Jason, and I want to fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Oh, so that's what this is all about? This whole thing. You didn't want to be with me. You wanted me to drive you down to Boca so I could be your fucking wingman? Well, obviously I made a bad decision because you're nothing but a cock-blocking machine. I don't know what you are. You're like the lsraeli Iron Dome defense system, but with vaginas instead of missiles. - What? - You're like some sort of cock-blocking Terminator sent back from the future to cock-block humans. - Oh! - The robots should have sent you instead of Arnold Schwarzenegger, you could have cock-blocked John Connor's parents - and he would never have been born! - Shut up, Grandpa! - Shut up! - What got into you? I remember you in high school, you were ripping people's dicks off on the football field, talking about traveling the world! Now you're pushing some papers at a fucking law firm and probably peeing sitting down. Grandpa, I don't know what you thought this weekend was going to be about, but I came here for one reason, to get you to Boca. That's it. - Fine. - Now can I please play some golf? - Fucking golf. - Okay. Cocky McBlockerson.
Dirty Grandpa