That's why I didn't invite him. I can't believe I don't remember that. You also said that you thought that he would get hammered and hit on all of our married friends, be mean to my grandma and turn the whole thing into a key party.
The Change-Up
22.7s
Okay, pumpkin, this is... Mitch, no. Don't call me pumpkin, okay? And you promised me that you would clean out... Can you shut this off? - It smells like cabbage now! - Jamie, Jamie, Jamie, sit down. One second. Just humor me, all right? I want you to ask me one thing... I don't want to play your games. ...that only Dave would be able to answer. Just one question. Please, I'm begging you. Good idea.
The Change-Up
26.4s
Be 15 minutes early for everything. It doesn't matter what it is. A meeting, an event. Less stress for me, less stress for you... Hey! You're married now, jackass. You can't look at other women. You can't talk to other women. You can't even be interesting around other women. Do everything in your power to desexualize yourself. Wear a fanny pack, drive a Prius, attach electronic devices to your belt, whatever it takes. And if you find yourself forced to talk to a woman, quickly find a way to mention the fact that you're married. It doesn't even have to make sense. Hi, how are you? Nice weather today. He's totally fucking married.
The Change-Up
10s
Easy, motherfucker! - If you leave now... - Get your hands off me. ...this friendship is over! Fuck you. Don't pull that shit on me. - I got to get the fuck out of here. - I'm serious, Mitch. Shut up! Jamie and the kids mean everything to me.
The Change-Up
9.1s
Beans, potatoes, carrots and broccoli. Buns and salad and potatoes and chicken.
The Change-Up
14.9s
Tatiana? Shit, that's right. That's my Tuesday night regular, right on schedule. You fuck that right for me, Dave. Took me a long time to reel this one in. I don't think I can do this. - What the fuck does that... - Hey, Dave! Hey, man! Dad, I smell a skunk. No, it's this, kid.
The Change-Up
10s
Think about that. You're not having sex with my wife, Mitch. Obviously, bro. But if she comes at me like a hurricane, a guy can only withstand so much.
The Change-Up
2.4s
You ready to take a piss? You bet your ass I am.
The Change-Up
1.2s
I love you, pumpkin.
The Change-Up
2.8s
Thank you. Thank you, America.
The Change-Up
2.1s
I do smell like lemons.
The Change-Up
9.7s
Come on, dude. Christ! Mitch. Hey, are you listening to me? Holy fuck! This is important stuff Do not screw this up. Hey!
The Change-Up
7.1s
Hello, I'm trying to find... Come on! Look, bring it to me in the office. I don't care. Relax, I'll be there. Yes, sir.
The Change-Up
1.2s
You smell like lemons.
The Change-Up
1.7s
Whoa!
The Change-Up
6.6s
I'm drowning in my own fear. Relax and calm down. Don't tell me to relax! You did this to me. I can't do it, okay?
