Major Payne

Major Payne is a 1995 American military comedy film directed by Nick Castle and starring Damon Wayans, who wrote with Dean Lorey and Gary Rosen. The film co-stars Karyn Parsons, Steven Martini, and Michael Ironside. It is a loose remake of the 1955 film The Private War of Major Benson, starring Charlton Heston. Major Payne was released in the United States on March 24 and grossed $30 million. Wayans plays a hardened military officer who, after being discharged, attempts to lead a dysfunctional group of youth cadets to victory in a competition.

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"The ABC's of the Loving Male Role Model." - I don't need your book. - Take it. - I don't want it. - Take it. - I don't want it. - Please, Major ?

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Okay.

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Shut up. All right. I got a surefire plan to get rid of that son of a bitch. - What is it ? - What ? What ? - It's gonna cost us. How much you got ? - Twenty. - I got 25. - Put me down for 40. - All right, Dotson ! - Yeah ! - Yeah ! All right, we're takin' out Payne tomorrow ! - Yeah ! - Yeah ! - Yeah !

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"Love is the key... to understandin'." "The Three Bees. Bee a good listener. Bee sensitive to their needs."

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Well, hello, Miss Walburn. I just came by to let you know that Wuligar has a slight temperature, so you might not want to torture him this evening.

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I will be... sensitive... to his needs.

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Have you been reading the book ? I might have glanced at it once or twice. Oh, well, that's very good ! I'm very proud of you, Major. - Oh, shucks. It ain't hard bein' sensitive. - He's back ! He's back ! - Who's back ? The man who lives in my closet. Aw, boy, get on outta here with that "I'm scared of the dark" crap. Go on, now. Git ! Sensitive.

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Sensitive, sensitive. Hello, there, fella. You know what you're havin' ? It's called a nightmare. You know what a nightmare is ?

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Well, that's all this is. Why don't you run on back to your room... before that man jump out the closet and chop your little head off.

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Sensitive. You call that being sensitive ? Let me give you a little history on Kevin Dunne. - Both of his parents are dead. - Car accident, 1989. Lived in the Chelsea orphanage 'til 1991 when the school adopted him. I know all about it. Well, then you should also know that the last thing he needs right now... is a sadistic father figure scaring the life out of him.

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Maybe what he need... is for you to pop your titty out his mouth... and let the boy grow up. Excuse me ? What did you say ? I didn't stutter. I said: "Pop your titty out his mouth... and stop babyin' him !" I don't call it babying. I call it nurturing. And I call it neutering ! And I call you an insecure, overbearing, psychopathic, dictatorial, egomaniacal, frigid, lunatic asshole ! I ain't frigid. He's still there !

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You wanna see nurturin' ?

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He's in there ?

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- If he's still in there, he ain't happy. - What was that ? Major Payne just terminated that bad man with extreme prejudice ! And if he's still in there, he ain't happy !

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You run on back to bed. That bad man ain't gonna bother you no more. Thank you, Major. I love you.

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What's your angle, boy ? You plottin' on me ? - No, sir ! - Don't you know I could snap your neck in 20 different places ? Major, Major ! It's okay ! He's just trying to show you some affection ! I don't like it. Make me feel all funny.

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- Uh, good night, Miss Walburn. - Good night, Major.

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- Where is he ? - He better get here. Alex ! Alex !

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- Alex, did you do it ? - How much did it cost ? - Where were you ? - Shh. I did it. I did it. Squad ! Atten-hut !

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Let's go, maggots. Follow my lead ! Payne's not here He's in our ass Payne's not here He's in our ass Butt's so tight he can't pass gas Butt's so tight he can't pass gas - Sound off - One, two - Sound off - Three, four Break it on down Break it on down Break it on down Break it down You like to rhyme, boy ? What's your name ? Bushwick Bill ? No, let me guess. You Snoop Diggety Dogg. Turds ! Front leanin' rest position. Move ! I'm 'a teach you how I rhyme military style !

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