Hey, Becca, I'm so, so sorry. Uh, something came up. Stu, I'm so sorry. I did not mean to freak you out. If you don't wanna have sex, I understand, I'm disgusting. No, no, no. - You didn't freak me out. - Shit. I'm definitely down to clown. - I wanna do the deed. - What? And then we're gonna have a talk. You know what? I was gonna say... maybe you should not come over. Because, okay... So, Byron called me... and he sounded really sorry. And he was like, "I should come over and talk," and I think I should just hear him out. - You know? - No, no, no. Do not let Byron come over, okay? He does not deserve to be let back into your life. Wait for me, okay? I'll be there. Wait for me. Okay. Oh, God, this night is so crazy for me. I'll be right there.
Stuber
20s
Oh, this is your other horrible job? I came here once to buy some fishing gear. Clerk was a real dick. I wanted to shoot him in the leg, but I had self-control. Yeah, that was probably my boss. He's the second worst guy I've ever met. Who's the first? I'll give you a hint. It's you.
Stuber
14.8s
All right. I thought you just needed a couple of bullets, bud. Well, you can never be too prepared. Yeah, but somebody has to pay for all this shit. - Put it on my Uber tab. - There's no tab! Uber is not a general store in the Old West! Oh, no.
Stuber
2.7s
Where is it? Box.
Stuber
1.7s
Stu, wait.
Stuber
3.5s
I'll just use a regular stall. You're pathetic.
Stuber
3.9s
He's fucking crazy. Yeah.
Stuber
1.5s
Easy, Stu.
Stuber
1.2s
I quit.
Stuber
23.6s
- I think you broke my arm. - Fighting is hard. You gotta have stamina. Yeah. I'm surprised you lasted as long as you did. - That's 'cause I was winning. - You were not. - It was fun. I totally won. - I was kicking your ass. I won. Couple of homeless guys humping in my store, huh? Little squat and fuck? Stuber, that you?
Stuber
1.5s
His name is Stu.
Stuber
55.1s
"Stuber." Oh, that's great, 'cause you drive an Uber. That's a great pun. Who the hell are you? And why are you so huge? Jesus, what are you benching? Like, 310, 350? Easy, kid. Just put the crossbow down. We'll get out of your hair. Jesus, Stuber! What the hell did you and your gigolo friend do to my store? It's your dad's store. He's a cop. He's working an important case. Case? - Is that what you call your butt? - Look, pal. We're in a hurry. You got another sporting goods store you gotta fuck in or something? Listen, do you know what this is? - Huh. - That's blood. It is. I've done things tonight you would not believe. Oh, yeah? I signed a lease on a spin gym. Weird. I provided emotional support to a male stripper. You're saying these things like they're scary. - I shot a man in cold blood. - Yeah. I watched him die. From someone else's bullet, but I loosened him up. Yeah, right, Stuber. Hey.
Stuber
2.2s
My name is Stu.
Stuber
2s
How do you do?
Stuber
2.7s
You fucked with the wrong Uber driver!
Stuber
2s
I'll kill you!
Stuber
7.5s
Are you sure you're okay? Yeah, you should go. Look, cavalry's on the way... SWAT, the whole deal. Go on, call that girl.
Stuber
13.1s
That's technically not the sky. That's the sky's tears. It's tears of joy 'cause the sky is proud of you. Please shut up. Well, no worries.