Found 796 results
30.4s
Oh, God! That did not just happen. What? Hey. I always thought your wife was a nice lady, but she talks like a dock worker and she shits like one, too. Plus, I used to think your kids were adorable, but they're not. They're fucking bananas. Can I help you? Here's the deal. I got two screaming... Hold on. What's with all the heavy breathing? Are you jerking off? No, I'm not. Yes, yes, yes, I am. Look, I never get this kind of privacy any more. Isn't that kind of my dick, though?
The Change-Up
14s
26.4s
Be 15 minutes early for everything. It doesn't matter what it is. A meeting, an event. Less stress for me, less stress for you... Hey! You're married now, jackass. You can't look at other women. You can't talk to other women. You can't even be interesting around other women. Do everything in your power to desexualize yourself. Wear a fanny pack, drive a Prius, attach electronic devices to your belt, whatever it takes. And if you find yourself forced to talk to a woman, quickly find a way to mention the fact that you're married. It doesn't even have to make sense. Hi, how are you? Nice weather today. He's totally fucking married.
The Change-Up
13.3s
These are called children, or dependants. Never disparage your own child. Everything they do is a miracle from God. When they're bad, it's only because they're tired or going through a phase. When other kids are bad, it's because of indulgent parenting or innate defects in the child's character.
The Change-Up
12.3s
Listen, I don't want you to worry about anything. I'll be able to hold down the fort. We got to find that fountain as soon as possible. It's like a can of tennis balls down here. The only problem I see is, what do I tell Jamie? What do you tell Jamie, what? When she wants to have sex tonight?
The Change-Up
22s
It feels kind of like I'm cheating on Jamie. Are you fucking shitting me? In what world is this cheating? Cheating is when any part of your dick gets up inside some woman that's not your wife, okay? And your dick is firmly planted inside these fucking lame, triple-pleated sports slacks. But my mind is over here. That should count for something, right? God, you big bitch. How many women have you fucked in your mind? Thousands?
The Change-Up