What is that? That was the Christmas effort... from the once great Billy Mack. Oh, dear me, how are the mighty fallen. I can safely say that is the worst record I've heard this century... Oh, and coincidentally, I believe Billy will be a guest... on my friend Mike's show in a few minutes' time. Welcome back, Bill. Billy, welcome back to the airwaves. New Christmas single, cover of Love Is All Around. Except we've changed... the word 'love' to 'Christmas'. Yes, is that an important message... to you, Bill? Not really, Mike. Christmas is a time for people... with someone they love in their lives. And that's not you? - That's not me, Michael. When I was young and successful, I was greedy and foolish... and now I'm left with no one, wrinkled and alone. Wow. Thanks for that, Bill. - For what? For actually giving a real answer to a question. It doesn't often happen here... at Radio Watford, I can tell you. Ask me anything, I'll tell you the truth. Best shag you ever had? Britney Spears. - Wow. No, only kidding... She was rubbish. - OK, here's one. How do you think the new record... compares to your old, classic stuff? Come on, Mikey, you know as well as I do... the record's crap. But wouldn't it be great... if number one this Christmas... wasn't some smug teenager... but an old ex-heroin addict... searching for a comeback at any price? Those young popsters come Christmas... will be stretched out naked... with a cute bird balancing on their balls... and I'll be stuck in some dingy flat... with me manager Joe, ugliest man in the world, fucking miserable because... our fucking gamble didn't pay off. So if you believe in Father Christmas, children, like your Uncle Billy does, buy my festering turd of a record. And particularly enjoy the incredible crassness... of the moment we try to squeeze... an extra syllable into the fourth line. I think you're referring to... 'If you really love Christmas... ' 'Come on and let it snow. ' Ouch. So, here it is one more time, the dark horse for this year's Christmas number one, Christmas Is All Around. Thank you, Billy. After this, the news. Is the new prime minister in trouble already? I feel it in my fingers I feel it in my toes...
Love Actually
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Oh. Right. Good. Well, I suppose I should... take a look at it or something. You should.
Love Actually
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Oh, God, she's in. And now she'll think I'm a total spaz... if I don't go in too. Fuck - it's cold.
Love Actually
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There'd better not be eels in here. Try not to disturb the eels. Oh, what the hell is that?
Love Actually
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Hello?
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Bye bye baby, baby goodbye Goodbye baby, baby bye bye Bye bye baby, don't make me cry Goodbye baby, baby bye bye Wish I never had known you... Do you love him? Er, er, what? No, I-I just thought I'd ask bluntly... in case it was the right question... and you needed someone to talk to about it... and no one had ever asked you. No. No. No is the answer. Absolutely not. ...on my finger... So that's a no, then? Yes. Erm... Bye bye baby, baby goodbye Goodbye baby, baby bye bye... This DJ, what do you reckon? The worst in history? - Probably. I think it all hangs on the next song. Now here's one for the lovers. That's quite a few of you, I shouldn't be surprised and a half.
Love Actually
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He now spends all the time in his room. I mean, he'll be up there now. That's not unusual. My horrid son... Bernard? Bernard. Stays in his room all the time. Thank goodness. Yeah, but Karen, this is all the time.
Love Actually
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Erm, I'm starting to feel... uncomfortable about us... working so closely every day... and me knowing so little about you, it seems elitist and wrong.
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Well, there's not much to know. Well, erm, where do you live, for instance? Wandsworth. The dodgy end. Ah, my sister lives in Wandsworth. Oh.
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Why? - Because I... thought it'd be something worse. Worse than the total agony of being in love? Er... No, you're right. Total agony.
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Night, Sarah. - Night, Karl.
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Oh, God.
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(TV 'And coming up... later this morning, it's this guy... ' There's no beginning, there'll be no end... Cos on Christmas... '. He bad grandad of rock'n'roll, 'here at 10:30. Do not switch off. ' Banoffee pie? No, thanks. Thank God. You would've broken my heart... if you'd said yes. Right, well, lucky you. Can I come in? Er, yeah, well, I'm a bit busy... I was just passing and I thought... we might check that video thing out. I thought I might be able to swap it for some pie... or maybe Munchies? Actually, I was serious - I don't know... where it is. I'll have a look tonight. Mark, can I say something? Yeah. I know you're Peter's best friend... and I know you've never particularly warmed to me. Look, don't, don't argue. We've never got friendly. But I wanted to say, I hope that can change. I'm nice. I really am. Apart from my terrible taste in pie and... It would be great if we could be friends. Absolutely. Absolutely. Great. Doesn't mean we'll be able to find the video, though. I had a real search when you first called... and couldn't find it so... This one says... 'Peter and Juliet's Wedding'. Do you think we might be on the right track? Er, yeah, well... Wow. That-that could be it. Do you mind if I...? - I've probably taped over it. Almost everything's episodes of West Wing.
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It's your sister on line four.
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Joe.
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Hi. Pathetic.
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It's my favourite time of day... driving you. It's the saddest part... of my day, leaving you.