I love you girls. You know, somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night. What is that? What is what?
Ted
1.2s
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
Ted
7.5s
Yeah, Rex is having a house party but I'm surprised John didn't tell you, considering you two have seen each other every single day since you moved out.
Ted
3.7s
MAN: asshole! TED: That's my bad. I was sending a tweet.
Ted
3.4s
Yes, he is, my little winner. Yes, he is.
Ted
10.5s
Now, I know we said no gifts, but... We said no such thing. I got you something anyway, in clear violation of the "no gift" rule. We had no such rule. Lori, I've wanted to give this to you for a long time.
Ted
1.6s
(THUNDER CRASHES LOUDLY)
Ted
2.8s
Do I need to wash my hands before I play this game?
Ted
1.5s
(SINGING)
Ted
6.1s
Well, you know, I don't have to be at work for another 20 minutes.
Ted
15.4s
Lori, the worst that can happen is that you go on a fun, casual date with a guy who just wants a chance to prove that he can be something more than a jerk. Plus, you are a huge catch. And it's about time someone treated you that way.
Ted
2.9s
If you can cover for me, I'm cool with all that other shit.
Ted
1.7s
(AUDIENCE SHOUTING)
Ted
11.5s
You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public. I fucked her with a parsnip last week and I sold the parsnip to a family with four small children.
