Found 410 results
44.4s
Smooth operator speaking. Fucking Byron, man! He's a piece of shit! He came over. He goes to the bathroom... I obviously immediately look at his phone. It's fucking full of all these pictures... of all these girls who look barely out of fucking high school. It's like vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina. Oh, my God! I broke up with him! Becca, you are a queen. Byron is a full-on piece of shit and he doesn't deserve you. I wanna lock myself in my apartment like Grey Gardens. I want to Grey Gardens myself. That is the most depressing verb I've ever heard. I wanna scream into a cup for six years. I'm gonna start drinking. Then Yogurtland, then vengeance. - Tequila? - Yes. God, yes. Always. Well, I'll bring a bottle and some yogurt. - You decide the order, okay? - Okay. Stu, will you hurry?
Stuber
56.8s
So, yes, I'll have them see the house tomorrow at 3:00 p.m. That looks good. What is that? Chicken salad? - Mm-hmm. You want a bite? - No thank you, sweetie. But here's the thing though, you really think you should be eating that? Well, I mean, I am hungry. Water only... four hours before stage! Ain't that right, fellas? - Yeah. Yes, ma'am. - Them's the rules. Not even, like, a granola bar? - Is that healthy? - Who the fuck are you? Oh, no, actually, I just mean carbs... - are unfairly demonized. - No. If that's how he's lookin', I wouldn't change what he's cookin'. - It's fine. - Oh, it's fine? So you think people come in here to see a fat piece of shit floppin' his tits around? I don't have tits! Nobody wants to see a big dick hanging off a bag of garbage. Shouldn't have weighed in. I'm sorry. Not a pun. Oh, no, no. Please continue to mansplain to me what I'm supposed to be doing. 'Cause, you know, as a woman, I have no fucking idea! You do your thing. I'll go fuck myself. Thank you so much for giving me permission. Are you still eating that? - Ms. Titties? - Tittyais. Who the fuck's asking? We not hiring, honey.
Stuber
18.3s
This pen knife. It's all I had. It got me through. No, it didn't. The pen knife did nothing. It was just a psychological security blanket. Also, you had a terrible, abusive father. I became a man that night. That's the point. You don't need to drop your kids off in the desert... to teach them how to be a man. What do you know about being a man?
Stuber
41.4s
So this Becca chick says, "Jump." And you say, "How high?" If you knew her, you'd jump too. - You'd pole vault. - Oh. Bullshit. I don't jump for anybody. 'Cause I've got self-respect. You know what that is? Is that when a blind cop kidnaps an Uber driver? When I was 14 years old, my dad took me on a... camping trip out in the desert. First night there he jumps in his truck, he says, "I'm going into town to get some groceries." You know what that really meant? That meant he was going into town to get drunk and hook up with a local. You know, I don't remember signing up for this TED Talk. First few hours go by and I think he's probably got a flat tire. Then it gets dark, and then it gets cold. I'm hungry. There is shit in the desert making noise. I'm scared to death. And? So I sat there all night freezing my ass off. Starving, clutching this pen knife till dawn.
Stuber
27s
Fuck you, homie! I got fucking rights! No. Fuck you, homie! You're looking at five years for possession. - Unless you wanna talk. - Uh, Vic? No? Watch him. I'll be back. This is bullshit, man! No. No, no. Vic. Vic. No, no, no. Hey, hey, hey. You cannot just leave him in my car. This is a hard no for me. - This is an UberPool, right? - No, it's not an UberPool! Don't act like... you know what UberPool is, okay? You learned that earlier today.
Stuber