Duration: 41.4s

So this Becca chick says, "Jump." And you say, "How high?" If you knew her, you'd jump too. - You'd pole vault. - Oh. Bullshit. I don't jump for anybody. 'Cause I've got self-respect. You know what that is? Is that when a blind cop kidnaps an Uber driver? When I was 14 years old, my dad took me on a... camping trip out in the desert. First night there he jumps in his truck, he says, "I'm going into town to get some groceries." You know what that really meant? That meant he was going into town to get drunk and hook up with a local. You know, I don't remember signing up for this TED Talk. First few hours go by and I think he's probably got a flat tire. Then it gets dark, and then it gets cold. I'm hungry. There is shit in the desert making noise. I'm scared to death. And? So I sat there all night freezing my ass off. Starving, clutching this pen knife till dawn.