The Change-Up Alan Arkin Clear all

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- David? - Yep. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For the thingy. Braves-Marlins. Please don't tell me that you forgot. Didn't forget. What time are you going to pick me up? Don't you bail on me, David. I am not going to bail. If you bail on me, I'm going to literally eye-rape you. I got it. I will actually place myself inside your ocular... It's my dad. Mitch Planko, Sr. making a rare appearance. This guy fucking hates me.

The Change-Up

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Good morning, Patricia.

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Thank you so much.

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Last week he told me my shoes were dangerously Italian. What?

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He's early. Yeah, you'd be early, too, if all you did all day was eat hummus and masturbate. What's hummus? That is a Mediterranean spread, honey. What's master-ate? It's a cracker.

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Not really.

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Okay. Bathed, diapered, and in the PJs.

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But a Double Windsor?

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Is Dave meeting your needs, sexually?

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Mrs. Hickham at a Starbucks in Druid Hills. - Our social studies teacher? - Yeah. I asked her out and she wouldn't go out with me, which is crazy, because I nailed her in high school. - You did? - I dated her mouth for a full semester.

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- Yeah, I guess. - Good.

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Hey, Mitch. Your hair looks good. Thanks. Yeah, I had to cut it for a fucking tampon commercial. Uncle Mitch! How's my favorite ballerina doing? - Hi, Uncle Mitch. - Hi! Gosh, you're so light. Are you dieting? Do you want to come to my dance recital? No, honey. The only style of dancing that Uncle Mitch likes involves a big, shiny pole, and a broken woman with daddy issues.

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Vegetable medley! - How are you? - Good. - You're good? - Yeah. Are you dating anyone? - You know who I ran into? - Who?

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Thank you.

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Honey... Don't even say that. I'm so sorry. I suck. Dr. Tillman said just once a week, for one hour. I'm sorry.

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That was three months ago. I know. I heard her. And I want to sit and talk with you for an hour more than once a week, but tonight, I cannot. Why? What are you doing? I promised Mitch I would sit and watch a game with him tonight, and... What? Can we please just slide the Dialogue Night again? I'm so sorry.

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Dialogue Night. Oh, my God.

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I can do Monday night.

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