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Now, how did this tired, old, fat piece of shit get the drop on us? I don't know. He's not even armed. This bag is the only thing he had on him. What's in there? Can't see anything. Here, give it to me. What kind of moron... carries a chess set with him? What the fuck? Doesn't make any sense. Look at all this shit. So, you're gonna tell us what's the gimmick with the bag? It's magic. You put your hand in, out comes a present. I don't really understand how it works, either. So, you're Mr. Scrooge. That's right. But who are you? Weihnachtsmann. Julenissen. Shèngdàn Laorén. Babbo Natale, Père Noel, Kris Kringle. Jolly old Saint Nick. People call me a lot of things. Ha, ha, ha. Very funny. Or should I say, "Ho, ho, ho"? If you're Santa, where's your reindeer? They were on the roof until that guy I turned into an ice kebab just... You don't believe me? Go check. Prancer left a tasty log up there. This fucking guy. You don't think... Now, I know you're an idiot, but don't be an idiot out loud. Come on, he's just in Santy Claus with a fucking trick bag. Oh, no! That bag was full of kids' dreams! Oh, come on. Everybody knows that Christmas dreams are bullshit. My father used to make a big deal out of it every Christmas. Every freaking Christmas with the presents and the candy and the decorations and the Christmas caroling and all that bullshit. And then when I was... I don't know, ten, 11, he got laid off, and that Christmas, couldn't even afford a tree. No Christmas dinner, no gifts. Nothing, nada, culo, dick. But our neighbors... our neighbors, oh, they had it all. I could see all that yuletide cheer through their window mocking me. So Christmas Eve rolls around, and... I waited for everybody to go to bed. And then I snuck in there to take it all. Only problem was that the gramps got up to take a piss and the two of us scared the shit out of each other. And, um, he fell down the stairs and-and broke his neck, and he died in the hospital. Everybody thought that I did it, and every time I tried to tell them, I tried to tell them that... Anyway, maybe I did do it. Maybe I did push him. Poor old fucker. So, you see, Christmas ruined my life. Okay? But you know what? It set me on the path and made me the great man that I am today. I'm sorry, Jimmy. I really am. But I do gifts. I do Christmas cheer. I don't get involved in people's lives. Oh, yeah? Yeah, well, maybe you fucking should! Um, how did he know your name? Oh, Bjorn. What's your excuse? Huh? Didn't I get you that Huffy bike you wanted back in '82? One you wrote me 50 times about! What about you, Kira? Well, you made your brother eat worms. That's naughty! Okay, how does he know about my bike? It's a lucky guess, like: "Hey, do you like big tits?" Come on, every kid wants a fucking bike. -You're gonna tell me who you work for... -Oh, Christ. No. Then you've got five seconds to tell me who you really are. Five, four, three, two... I'm Santa Claus! Well, not anymore.
Violent Night