Found 618 results
35.4s
I'm still waiting on that trip to Europe he promised me on our wedding day. - That's been 15 years? - Yeah. I could have walked to Europe by now. You know, you just have to tell him. I just don't want to have to tell him. I just want him to know. - No, they never just know. - I know. - That doesn't happen. - You have to tell men everything. If you want the dishes to not go in the sink, you have to tell them. If you want him to shower before he comes to bed, - you have to ask him. - Ugh. That's why they have those signs in bathrooms at restaurants to tell employees to wash their hands. Those aren't for women, guys. Those are for men. Or maybe you could just text him, airplane, wine glass, Italian flag, eggplant, doughnut, doughnut, doughnut.
Murder Mystery
1m3s
So I put my finger here, and check this... the watch tells me I have a heart problem. Wouldn't a mirror tell you the same thing? Yeah, but this has weather, too. Okay. We got an hour until we're meeting the ladies for dinner. - Yeah. - You wanna catch a beer? I can't. I gotta run a few errands. What? You don't want a beer? What's wrong? I... got the results back from the detective exam. You failed again? This is why I never took that test. All the anxiety and disappointment. At some point, you have to realize you have hit your ceiling and just give up. You know, you should go around and speak at schools. - That was very inspiring. - I should. Kids need to hear this shit. I don't get it, man. I know all the answers, I just freeze under pressure. You know, I can't take the exam for, like, three more months, so I gotta continue lying to Audrey. So when we're at dinner tonight, please, - tell your wi... - Ah! No. Come on, man. You know I'll lie for you anytime. I will cover up dead bodies for you. But if I ask Holly to lie to your wife, there's no way we're messing around. It's Freaky Friday! You don't have to lie, just tell her to ignore when I'm lying. That's it.
Murder Mystery