So you're not a professor? Are you even a photographer? I'm a lawyer. I handle SEC compliance. LLC agreements. I came up here to... Get the fuck out, Jason. Seriously. - Can I have a second to explain? - No! Hold up, hold up. Not so fast, professor.
Dirty Grandpa
55.7s
Back off, D cups! Well, if it isn't the "professor." You know, it's amazing what you can find with a name and Google these days. You're not a real professor? Oh, my God! You lied to us. How could you. Wait, wait, wait, this is the best part. This is the best part. Richard "Dick" Kelly, Lieutenant Colonel in the United States Army, also known as the American Gladiator "Nitro." What the fuck did you Google? Okay, well, there's another best part then. "Jason Patrick Kelly will wed Meredith Miriam Goldstein at Jericho Temple on Saturday, March 27th." Oh, wait, that's, um, next Saturday. Wait, you're grandfather and grandson? Oh, my God! That is so fucked up. That is so hot. I mean, that is so fucked up.
Dirty Grandpa
2.8s
'Sup, brah?
Dirty Grandpa
1.8s
Well, thanks for the ride.
Dirty Grandpa
3.5s
Has anyone ever told you that you have the pussy of an English sheepdog?
Dirty Grandpa
1.8s
Yeah.
Dirty Grandpa
12.4s
I'm sorry, but you know what they say... Um... tough times can sometimes lead to tougher people. - Hm. - That's Kurt Vonnegut.
Dirty Grandpa
19.4s
- Are those my pants? - Yeah, these are your pants. I found a Werther's Original in the pocket and I've been sucking on it all morning. You do know that I'm not a professor, right? Yeah, I know. You're just a dirty, dirty grandpa, and I'm just a girl from Long lsland City who likes to fuck old people.
Dirty Grandpa
7.6s
Oh, hey. Look, I'm... I'm sorry. I don't know if I can do this. I haven't done it for a long time.
Dirty Grandpa
6.4s
- I was a shitty father and I'm sorry. - Well, we'll work on it.
Dirty Grandpa
2.7s
You're a hard man to track down, professor.
Dirty Grandpa
1.5s
You gonna be okay, Dad?
Dirty Grandpa
22.9s
She's so super cool about it. She's like, "Go! Do your thing. Do you." - She said that? - That's what she said, verbatim. Wait. Should I come down and say bye? - No. God! Fuck no! - No? Yeah. No need to even... Let's not even... You just... I've done it... We're great! Wait, where the fuck is he going? Jason! Jason!
Dirty Grandpa
16.6s
I want you to know how much I appreciate you doing this for me, Jason. The greatest gift a grandson can give his grandfather is a hot college girl who wants to have unprotected sex with him before he dies. Yeah, well, most grandpas just want toffee.
Dirty Grandpa
17.1s
...and as a tribute to Meredith and Jason and the love that you guys share. A love I will never know because my dog died the first day I masturbated. So now I can't get hard unless... Okay. Also, we've got to stop ISIS. It's gotten... It's too much.
Dirty Grandpa
13.5s
I'm just saying, who sings that well and isn't a professional singer? You're so good at singing you actually suck! You guys want to come up for a nightcap? - Yeah, well... - See if shit gets real?
Dirty Grandpa
14.7s
Got it. Got it. You know, today's celebration is much more than just about the union of two people, it's also about the union of two families. - Meredith... - The Kellys and the Goldsteins.
Dirty Grandpa
11.1s
She's laughing, so I think that you're in the clear, bro. No, it's good. That was good. You can just go back and tell him that I fucked his cousin Nick while he was gone.
