Found 722 results

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8.8s
Rex was forced to give up his pursuit of Lori. Not long afterward, he fell into a deep depression and died of Lou Gehrig's disease.

Ted

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Rex, I got to go.

Ted

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Please.

Ted

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SAM: How we doing, ace?

Ted

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JOHN'S MOM: Listen to your father! Come here! Helen, get my gun. Dad, no! Is it a hugging gun? Helen, get my gun, and call the police!

Ted

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19.8s
(STAMMERS) I think I need to clear the air here a little. Yeah, I'm kind of a fun-time boss and what-not. But, look, man, I do that with everybody at the office. I'm a kook. I have no designs on your girlfriend. We work together, and that's it. I think you're a great guy and she's a very lucky girl.

Ted

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(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Ted

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4.4s
Where are you going? Taking a cab. I'm going home.

Ted

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6.1s
Well, you know, I don't have to be at work for another 20 minutes.

Ted

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Lori, the worst that can happen is that you go on a fun, casual date with a guy who just wants a chance to prove that he can be something more than a jerk. Plus, you are a huge catch. And it's about time someone treated you that way.

Ted

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If you can cover for me, I'm cool with all that other shit.

Ted

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(AUDIENCE SHOUTING)

Ted

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You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public. I fucked her with a parsnip last week and I sold the parsnip to a family with four small children.

Ted

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11.3s
This is Wade Boggs' autographed bat. I just barely outbid Phil Donahue for that at auction. Wow, cool. Yeah, cool. These boxing gloves were worn by Joe Louis in his first fight.

Ted

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4.2s
Well, that's good to hear. Yeah. (CELL PHONE RINGING)

Ted

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You son of a bitch! Well, you never should have trusted me. I'm on drugs.

Ted

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You have to understand, I had no friends before he came along. He's the only reason I ever gained any fucking confidence. But you're no longer eight. You're 35 years old. And unless you're too blind to notice, he's not your only friend anymore. Can we talk about this another time, and just enjoy our anniversary dinner?

Ted

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Hey.

Ted