Okay. I'm gonna ask you a few test questions. Are you ready? Yep, bring it on. You're on the stand, the DA says, "Ted, do you consider yourself to be human?" Objection! Sustained! No, the witness can't object. Overruled! Sidebar? Guilty! Speculation! Hearsay! Briefcase! Bailiff! Disregard! In my chambers! Stop beavering the witness! I rest. We could totally be lawyers. Bang.
Ted 2
2.3s
At least you figured it out early.
Ted 2
20.5s
You wanna see it? Huh? You wanna see your kid? I can see it from here, thanks,yeah. Dude, take a closer look. It's your kid. No,no,no! Come on! You got to take a closer look. That's close enough, Johnny! He's beautiful. Come on! I'll trade you. Catch. Oh, shit! Oh, God! Fuck!Dude, that's somebody's kid! Well, it's not my fault, A-Rod! You were supposed to catch it! We got to find something to scoop it up. There's containers over there. Scoop it up with that. Shit. All right.
Ted 2
8s
Ted, do you love your wife? Objection. She's not his wife. The marriage was annulled. I'll rephrase.
Ted 2
2.9s
TED: No, no, that's not gonna work. You need two of them. You got to scoop one into the other.
Ted 2
2.3s
Don't wait too long to be right.
Ted 2
7.1s
I noticed you always use urinal four, so I put fresh cakes in there for you. You're an important man. You should never have to smell pee.
Ted 2
7.9s
Hey. I just got off work and heard your message. Is that for real? Did they actually tell you that? Yeah, it's unbelievable. "Property." They said I'm property.
Ted 2
1.7s
I'm John Bennett.
Ted 2
4.3s
Yeah, I was just gonna say it's sort of like this other batch we had called "How Long Has That Van Been There?"
Ted 2
13.6s
Sorry. No. This is nice. You know? I always wanted my ex-wife to get stoned with me. She never would. Really? Wow. That's the cornerstone of any great marriage. I agree. (BOTH CHUCKLE)
Ted 2
2.1s
Who gets subjugated after the bear?
Ted 2
1.3s
I see.
Ted 2
1.5s
Why didn't you just come to me?
Ted 2
7.7s
A hundred and fifty years ago a slave by the name of Dred Scott sued to prove that he was a person and not a piece of property.
