Found 289 results
21.3s
37.7s
- Who's the lesbian? - That's my grandson, Jason. Yeah? Is he here to scissor with me? Okay, that's just offensive to lesbians. I am very sorry, K.D. Lang. Time for Bingo! Come on. Stinky, we got to get you the fuck out of here. - Come on, let's go. - I have one fucking month left, Dick! I don't want you to remember me like this, man. I want you to remember me as a warrior. - Please. Leave me be. - But, Stinky... No, no, no... Just let me finish, Dick. Leave me your beautiful lesbian grandson so he can blowjob me to death.
Dirty Grandpa
30.4s
- Hey, there he is. - No. Don't even fucking talk to me. I know things got a little chaotic, but I'm so close with Lenore... What the fuck is wrong with you? I'm about to get fucking married, Grandpa! In one week! To a Jewish girl! And I just woke up in fucking jail with a bunch of penises on my forehead in the shape of a swastika! Could call it a swasticock. - What? - It's a play on words. Oh, it's a play on words.
Dirty Grandpa
3m22s
All right. Gary, I'm all done. It's late. - I gotta go open the store, buddy. - I know, but you tried to sell peyote - to middle schoolers. - What? Come on. It's me. Pam! Don't be a dick. Come on! I just had watery diarrhea, I want to get out of here. It stinks. It does stink. All right, let's get you out of there. All right! Whoo! I don't like being in a cage. You're letting him out? He's the one that sold drugs. - Why are you letting him out? - Hey, man! Not cool! That's a real dick move, throwing me under the bus. What the fuck are you talking about? You're the one that sold drugs last night! - Hey, guy, snitches get stitches! - All right. So why don't you shut your fucking mouth, bro. Yeah. Snitches get stitches, my friend. My name's Pam. - All right. - You're incorrigible. - Hey, how are you, Finch? - How you doing? Good to see you. - Finchy! Finch! - Hey! You got it. Must beautiful woman on the police force, right here. - Jeez! - The only woman, but... - Here's the deal. - What's up? I came in here with a bag of drugs, I'm not gonna lie to you. I can't leave without it. - Can you guys hook me up there? - Yep... - Ooh! Gary! - These yours? - Yeah. Thanks, Gare-Bear. - Oh! Nice catch. Hey, right? Please remember, next Tuesday is the election. Vote for me for mayor. I'm gonna win this year. - I'm gonna beat that goat. - You got my vote. Pam! Pam! - He is just a good one. - He is just a number one... - Lover and a fighter. - Okay, listen. Guys, I really respect the job you guys do. I'm being completely honest, from the bottom of my heart, I look up to you. I fight for the law. Thank you, no one ever says that to us. - Ever. - That's what I wanted to do when I was a kid. Like, I wanted to do what you guys do. Mostly people just call us pigs and throw bags of fast food at us. - Yeah. - I'm incredibly sorry for all this confusion, but listen to me, please. I have to let you know, I am a lawyer. - Whoa! You're a lawyer? - I am, yeah. I'm actually a lawyer. Whoa! You don't look like a lawyer. Yeah. Yeah, I handle, like, uh, corporate stuff. Like, uh... like LLC agreements, - LP agreements... - You lost me. - I don't even know what that means. - I mean, like, you... - ...you don't look Jewish. - No. - Which is weird. - It's actually pretty funny. There you go... That is funny! It is so weird! - It's darkly ironic. - It really is. Yes, exactly. Dark irony. I thought you had to be, like, at least 80 to be a lawyer. - Like, it's a lot of school, right? - Yeah. It's... it's, uh... it's a lot of school. The bar... something I took and passed. It's not something I stand behind. Yeah. I'm not on this side, typically, and I just, uh, I just... I know my rights, and I would love my phone call. - Objection. - Overruled. - Permission to approach the bench? - Denied! - What? - It's easy to be a lawyer. - It's so easy. - I would love my phone call. Okay. I know my rights. - I want my phone call. - Give me my phone call! - I should have a phone call! - This is my First Amendment right. My first, page one, number one amendment - says that I have a telephone! - I get a phone call. - This is my First Amendment right. - I'm guaranteed a phone call.
Dirty Grandpa
1m27s
Could I have some pants? Please... Oh, Jesus Christ, I'm so sorry. Of course. Yeah, absolutely. You want khakis or sweatpants? - Khakis, please. - What brand? You like Dockers? - Yeah. - Yeah, okay. All right. You're like a 30... Yeah, 30 is fine. What I wouldn't give to fit in a 30. Maybe 20 years ago, you know? When I was seven years old. Yeah... all right. Also I'm gonna step out and get some lunch. Do you want a sandwich? I would love a sandwich. - Ham? Turkey? - Turkey? Turkey. That's so funny, because I'm a turkey guy myself. - You know. - Thank you so much. Okay, absolutely. You want mayo on that? - Uh, no thank you, no. - Okay. - Extra veggies. - Extra veggies? - Yes, please. - You got it. Absolutely. - And... - Salt and vinegar. - You want salt and vinegar as well? - Yeah, thank you. You gotta watch that sodium. That's what drives your blood pressure up, and blood pressure is a silent killer. All right, turkey, okay... all right. Yeah. And, uh, finally, do you want to be sodomized by a man with the mental age of seven who calls himself Ping-Pong, or do you want to be shivved by, uh, the same guy? Just let me know what time works for you, 'cause you're in fucking jail.
Dirty Grandpa