Found 289 results
1m19s
He just keeps walking by yelling weird shit, I don't know why... Okay, well, what restaurant are you at? - I can barely even hear you now. - We're at Chuck E. Cheese's... Daytona fucking Beach! Daytona fucking Beach! You're right, buddy! - You're in Daytona Beach? - Uh... Listen, we're just driving through Daytona Beach. - We're en route to Grandpa's... - Jason! I don't know why you're there, but you'd better call me from your grandfather's house - when you get there tonight, okay? - Of course, baby. I love you so much... - Fuck! - Marriage is hard. What'd the hot college girls text back? Grandpa, what are you texting them? - I just texted them. - What are you texting them? "We'll meet you on the beach." Yeah, and I added the emoji with the wink and the tongue out. I'm not kidding, Grandpa. You realize that if I don't call her from your house in Boca tonight, I'm fucked, man, I'm fucked. Jesus. Sounds like you're marrying your fucking parole officer. It's just Meredith. It's the way she is, man. She just gets, like, anxious when she doesn't know exactly where I am. Don't panic. It's organic. Yeah, I know. Couples get in fights all the time. But it's different with Meredith. She takes it to another level, man, and I'm telling you, if I don't call her from your house in Boca, I'm screwed. Well, ain't nobody got time for that. Yeah, I know. Clearly. Which is why I don't understand how we got so far off schedule. Oh... Sometimes life is just a fart zone, and you enter at your own risk.
Dirty Grandpa
36.6s
Oh, my God, you should see your faces! I just went out to grab lunch and a new horse mask. I left mine at the beach the other day. Whoo! I thought you were gonna shit your pants, little guy. - Gun's real though. - What the fuck, man! Relax, this is Florida. Everything's a licensed gun range. You just shot through a wall, man! - Hey... - There's pedestrians outside! Yeah, again, it's Florida! These people don't matter. - What? - So? Welcome to Tam Pam Surf Slam. What can I do for you gentlemen? I'm Pam. - You're Pam? - Yeah. It's a nickname. Real name's Pamela.
Dirty Grandpa
1m12s
One, two, three... - Hello? - Where the fuck have you been? Uh... we got to Grandpa's a little bit later than we thought last night, and my phone charger wasn't working. Well, you know we missed the deadline for our wedding announcement to be in the Times. Where are you? Are you close? Um... Listen, Grandpa got really upset last night. So I'm just getting a little bit of a late jump here. I want to show you the bouquets for the bridesmaids. So switch to FaceTime, okay? Shit! Baby, the reception at Grandpa's isn't very good... - Jason, just fucking do it! - Okay, one second. Switching over. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Is that sand on your face? It's just sawdust because I was helping Grandpa in the garage, so... I naturally got the dust of the saw on the face. - Hi, honey. - Jason. - Mom? Dad? - Is that writing on your face? Oh! I was working on my vows late last night and... Hmm... And I fell asleep and I got some pen on my face, so... Yeah, that must be the exact thing that happened. Yeah, Meredith called us because she hadn't heard from you all night. We got the rabbi here to work on the vows.
Dirty Grandpa
48.7s
I don't like that one as much as the swastika full of dicks. Okay, let's discuss the wedding vows. Jason, why don't you begin by telling us all what it is you like about Meredith. Yeah, where do I start? She's... - Hello. - Uh... - Hello, buzzy bee. - What? If you can't think of anything, lean into them looks, dawg. Can I touch buzzy bee? I've loved her for... No, you can't touch buzzy bee! Um... I love the way that she, um... What are you doing? Stop it! Go away! You're getting me in... Fuck, go away! - Your buzzy bee looks so fluffy! - What did he say? - I just don't know where to start. - Let me touch buzzy bee! - You can't have the bee! - What? I want to stroke the bee! You can't stroke the bee! Okay?
Dirty Grandpa
16.8s
1m4s
I just said I'm an American, and I'm guaranteed a phone call. - Hm. Well, now he's getting demanding. - Yeah. - We better give him his phone call. - Better give him his phone call. - Guys, come on. Come on, please. - Why are we doing this? This is your phone right here, right? - That is my phone, yes. - Well, you know what? We get to make one phone call on your phone. That's where you're a little bit mixed up. Yeah, hopefully, you're not out of "framily" minutes. - No, no, no. - Get a free Uber ride on that. - Go ahead. - Take us out to lunch. You know what? We're gonna be kind and set you up with a Tinder account. - How about Grindr? What about, uh... - Look at this! - Jefe, is that how you pronounce that? - Yeah, how about Jefe. Yeah, huh? A little alone time with Jefe? He'd like some light conversation and heavy petting, - flirting, flirtations. - He looks thick and lonely. You will meet him at eight. You'll bring wine coolers. And... children's condoms. - Just gonna take a little picture. - Snatch-chat. - Yeah, a little Snatch-chat. - Please don't do that with my phone. Hope you got a wide-angle lens on that. Oh! Wow. Kidding.
Dirty Grandpa
3m22s
All right. Gary, I'm all done. It's late. - I gotta go open the store, buddy. - I know, but you tried to sell peyote - to middle schoolers. - What? Come on. It's me. Pam! Don't be a dick. Come on! I just had watery diarrhea, I want to get out of here. It stinks. It does stink. All right, let's get you out of there. All right! Whoo! I don't like being in a cage. You're letting him out? He's the one that sold drugs. - Why are you letting him out? - Hey, man! Not cool! That's a real dick move, throwing me under the bus. What the fuck are you talking about? You're the one that sold drugs last night! - Hey, guy, snitches get stitches! - All right. So why don't you shut your fucking mouth, bro. Yeah. Snitches get stitches, my friend. My name's Pam. - All right. - You're incorrigible. - Hey, how are you, Finch? - How you doing? Good to see you. - Finchy! Finch! - Hey! You got it. Must beautiful woman on the police force, right here. - Jeez! - The only woman, but... - Here's the deal. - What's up? I came in here with a bag of drugs, I'm not gonna lie to you. I can't leave without it. - Can you guys hook me up there? - Yep... - Ooh! Gary! - These yours? - Yeah. Thanks, Gare-Bear. - Oh! Nice catch. Hey, right? Please remember, next Tuesday is the election. Vote for me for mayor. I'm gonna win this year. - I'm gonna beat that goat. - You got my vote. Pam! Pam! - He is just a good one. - He is just a number one... - Lover and a fighter. - Okay, listen. Guys, I really respect the job you guys do. I'm being completely honest, from the bottom of my heart, I look up to you. I fight for the law. Thank you, no one ever says that to us. - Ever. - That's what I wanted to do when I was a kid. Like, I wanted to do what you guys do. Mostly people just call us pigs and throw bags of fast food at us. - Yeah. - I'm incredibly sorry for all this confusion, but listen to me, please. I have to let you know, I am a lawyer. - Whoa! You're a lawyer? - I am, yeah. I'm actually a lawyer. Whoa! You don't look like a lawyer. Yeah. Yeah, I handle, like, uh, corporate stuff. Like, uh... like LLC agreements, - LP agreements... - You lost me. - I don't even know what that means. - I mean, like, you... - ...you don't look Jewish. - No. - Which is weird. - It's actually pretty funny. There you go... That is funny! It is so weird! - It's darkly ironic. - It really is. Yes, exactly. Dark irony. I thought you had to be, like, at least 80 to be a lawyer. - Like, it's a lot of school, right? - Yeah. It's... it's, uh... it's a lot of school. The bar... something I took and passed. It's not something I stand behind. Yeah. I'm not on this side, typically, and I just, uh, I just... I know my rights, and I would love my phone call. - Objection. - Overruled. - Permission to approach the bench? - Denied! - What? - It's easy to be a lawyer. - It's so easy. - I would love my phone call. Okay. I know my rights. - I want my phone call. - Give me my phone call! - I should have a phone call! - This is my First Amendment right. My first, page one, number one amendment - says that I have a telephone! - I get a phone call. - This is my First Amendment right. - I'm guaranteed a phone call.
Dirty Grandpa