Found 618 results

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35.4s
I'm still waiting on that trip to Europe he promised me on our wedding day. - That's been 15 years? - Yeah. I could have walked to Europe by now. You know, you just have to tell him. I just don't want to have to tell him. I just want him to know. - No, they never just know. - I know. - That doesn't happen. - You have to tell men everything. If you want the dishes to not go in the sink, you have to tell them. If you want him to shower before he comes to bed, - you have to ask him. - Ugh. That's why they have those signs in bathrooms at restaurants to tell employees to wash their hands. Those aren't for women, guys. Those are for men. Or maybe you could just text him, airplane, wine glass, Italian flag, eggplant, doughnut, doughnut, doughnut.

Murder Mystery

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13.9s
More like a fingerling potato. It doesn't take that much. There are guys at the intersection selling flowers. You just roll down the window, grab a bunch, bring 'em home. - I mean, they couldn't make it any easier. - No kidding. I mean, tomorrow is our 15th wedding anniversary.

Murder Mystery

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1.7s
Oh. He's the eggplant.

Murder Mystery

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1.7s
Eggplant and doughnut...

Murder Mystery

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10.1s
I mean, he used to leave me, like, cute little mixtapes, little love notes in the bathroom. Love notes are dead. When my husband wants to have sex, he just texts me the eggplant and doughnut emoji.

Murder Mystery

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9.6s
My husband won't even pay for Uber Black. Yeah. I don't even... I can't even remember the last time that Nick did anything even remotely romantic.

Murder Mystery

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1.7s
He took her in a helicopter?

Murder Mystery

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4.1s
I gotta get Claritin. Claritin. Oh, my God! Look!

Murder Mystery

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3.9s
- Okay, fine. - Thank you. You owe me. See you tonight.

Murder Mystery

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1m3s
So I put my finger here, and check this... the watch tells me I have a heart problem. Wouldn't a mirror tell you the same thing? Yeah, but this has weather, too. Okay. We got an hour until we're meeting the ladies for dinner. - Yeah. - You wanna catch a beer? I can't. I gotta run a few errands. What? You don't want a beer? What's wrong? I... got the results back from the detective exam. You failed again? This is why I never took that test. All the anxiety and disappointment. At some point, you have to realize you have hit your ceiling and just give up. You know, you should go around and speak at schools. - That was very inspiring. - I should. Kids need to hear this shit. I don't get it, man. I know all the answers, I just freeze under pressure. You know, I can't take the exam for, like, three more months, so I gotta continue lying to Audrey. So when we're at dinner tonight, please, - tell your wi... - Ah! No. Come on, man. You know I'll lie for you anytime. I will cover up dead bodies for you. But if I ask Holly to lie to your wife, there's no way we're messing around. It's Freaky Friday! You don't have to lie, just tell her to ignore when I'm lying. That's it.

Murder Mystery

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1.2s
Terrific!

Murder Mystery

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5.9s
I like your sneakers. They must be expensive. Is that why can't afford the Monster Energy Drink or the Flamin' Hot Cheetos?

Murder Mystery

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2.1s
Mind your own business, man. I'm paying for this.

Murder Mystery

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2.4s
- Hang on. Hang on. - Hey, let go of me, man.

Murder Mystery

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1.5s
I can't believe I was right.

Murder Mystery

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11.6s
Then you seduce the Maharajah so that you would make us think you were with him all night. Yo, you were just twizzlin' on my wizzle for an alibi. Girl, that's cold. You tried to kill us in the library.

Murder Mystery

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6.6s
Instead, you called us here to humiliate us? Yes, and you came running. Father, don't do this.

Murder Mystery

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4.2s
We told the police. We called the police. We told 'em to come here. - Yes. - We've got to stop them.

Murder Mystery