Found 289 results
48.7s
I don't like that one as much as the swastika full of dicks. Okay, let's discuss the wedding vows. Jason, why don't you begin by telling us all what it is you like about Meredith. Yeah, where do I start? She's... - Hello. - Uh... - Hello, buzzy bee. - What? If you can't think of anything, lean into them looks, dawg. Can I touch buzzy bee? I've loved her for... No, you can't touch buzzy bee! Um... I love the way that she, um... What are you doing? Stop it! Go away! You're getting me in... Fuck, go away! - Your buzzy bee looks so fluffy! - What did he say? - I just don't know where to start. - Let me touch buzzy bee! - You can't have the bee! - What? I want to stroke the bee! You can't stroke the bee! Okay?
Dirty Grandpa
16.8s
1m4s
I just said I'm an American, and I'm guaranteed a phone call. - Hm. Well, now he's getting demanding. - Yeah. - We better give him his phone call. - Better give him his phone call. - Guys, come on. Come on, please. - Why are we doing this? This is your phone right here, right? - That is my phone, yes. - Well, you know what? We get to make one phone call on your phone. That's where you're a little bit mixed up. Yeah, hopefully, you're not out of "framily" minutes. - No, no, no. - Get a free Uber ride on that. - Go ahead. - Take us out to lunch. You know what? We're gonna be kind and set you up with a Tinder account. - How about Grindr? What about, uh... - Look at this! - Jefe, is that how you pronounce that? - Yeah, how about Jefe. Yeah, huh? A little alone time with Jefe? He'd like some light conversation and heavy petting, - flirting, flirtations. - He looks thick and lonely. You will meet him at eight. You'll bring wine coolers. And... children's condoms. - Just gonna take a little picture. - Snatch-chat. - Yeah, a little Snatch-chat. - Please don't do that with my phone. Hope you got a wide-angle lens on that. Oh! Wow. Kidding.
Dirty Grandpa
3m22s
All right. Gary, I'm all done. It's late. - I gotta go open the store, buddy. - I know, but you tried to sell peyote - to middle schoolers. - What? Come on. It's me. Pam! Don't be a dick. Come on! I just had watery diarrhea, I want to get out of here. It stinks. It does stink. All right, let's get you out of there. All right! Whoo! I don't like being in a cage. You're letting him out? He's the one that sold drugs. - Why are you letting him out? - Hey, man! Not cool! That's a real dick move, throwing me under the bus. What the fuck are you talking about? You're the one that sold drugs last night! - Hey, guy, snitches get stitches! - All right. So why don't you shut your fucking mouth, bro. Yeah. Snitches get stitches, my friend. My name's Pam. - All right. - You're incorrigible. - Hey, how are you, Finch? - How you doing? Good to see you. - Finchy! Finch! - Hey! You got it. Must beautiful woman on the police force, right here. - Jeez! - The only woman, but... - Here's the deal. - What's up? I came in here with a bag of drugs, I'm not gonna lie to you. I can't leave without it. - Can you guys hook me up there? - Yep... - Ooh! Gary! - These yours? - Yeah. Thanks, Gare-Bear. - Oh! Nice catch. Hey, right? Please remember, next Tuesday is the election. Vote for me for mayor. I'm gonna win this year. - I'm gonna beat that goat. - You got my vote. Pam! Pam! - He is just a good one. - He is just a number one... - Lover and a fighter. - Okay, listen. Guys, I really respect the job you guys do. I'm being completely honest, from the bottom of my heart, I look up to you. I fight for the law. Thank you, no one ever says that to us. - Ever. - That's what I wanted to do when I was a kid. Like, I wanted to do what you guys do. Mostly people just call us pigs and throw bags of fast food at us. - Yeah. - I'm incredibly sorry for all this confusion, but listen to me, please. I have to let you know, I am a lawyer. - Whoa! You're a lawyer? - I am, yeah. I'm actually a lawyer. Whoa! You don't look like a lawyer. Yeah. Yeah, I handle, like, uh, corporate stuff. Like, uh... like LLC agreements, - LP agreements... - You lost me. - I don't even know what that means. - I mean, like, you... - ...you don't look Jewish. - No. - Which is weird. - It's actually pretty funny. There you go... That is funny! It is so weird! - It's darkly ironic. - It really is. Yes, exactly. Dark irony. I thought you had to be, like, at least 80 to be a lawyer. - Like, it's a lot of school, right? - Yeah. It's... it's, uh... it's a lot of school. The bar... something I took and passed. It's not something I stand behind. Yeah. I'm not on this side, typically, and I just, uh, I just... I know my rights, and I would love my phone call. - Objection. - Overruled. - Permission to approach the bench? - Denied! - What? - It's easy to be a lawyer. - It's so easy. - I would love my phone call. Okay. I know my rights. - I want my phone call. - Give me my phone call! - I should have a phone call! - This is my First Amendment right. My first, page one, number one amendment - says that I have a telephone! - I get a phone call. - This is my First Amendment right. - I'm guaranteed a phone call.
Dirty Grandpa
29.3s
Okay, cool. You're not cops. In which case, welcome to drugs! - Oh, my God. - Now, I'm pretty cool, so I only sell the stuff that occurs naturally. So I got weed, I got mushrooms, I got meth. - Meth? - Yeah. How is that natural? Well, it occurs naturally in my cousin's basement in Baltimore, if you know what I mean. Okay, fine, drugs aren't your thing. Got it. Message received. In which case, listen, we got a great local charity here. Pam's Kids.
Dirty Grandpa
27.1s
Have you been reading shit off the shot glasses and the shirts in here and just saying it like it's wisdom? I was seriously trying to talk to you, man. Do you realize the stakes here? - You're ridiculous! - Smile. You've had a phone this entire fucking time? What else don't I know about you? How the hell do you know how to speak Arabic? Dad's never said anything about that. That's because your dad doesn't really know much about me. I was away with the army during most of his childhood. - So we were never that close. - Is that why he doesn't like you?
Dirty Grandpa
27.2s
- Go Hornets! - Go Hornets, yeah... Hey, you know, one in three of these girls has herpes. Even if you can't see it. Oh, Jesus. Nut the fuck up. It's just a college party, you nance. Chill! Hey, here they are. I'm gonna get some beers. What about you, twinkle toes? You want some of dat drank? Some of dat purple drank? Some of dat purple-ass muthafuckin' pimp-dick drank? Who the fuck are you?
Dirty Grandpa
55.7s
Am I on drugs? Of course I am! This is too incredible! Flex Off history is being made! - What's up now, Brah? - Yeah, what's up now, Brah? Yeah, what's up now, Brah? 'Sup now, Brah? 'Sup now, Brah? 'Sup now, Brah? This is incredible! Take out your cameras! Put this online! This shit is going viral! Shit. Let me down. Did everybody get a picture of that? What the fuck are you doing? - I can't do this... - What? - God... - The winners of the Alpha Delta Flex Off... Wait a minute! Where are you going? - Guys? - Where are you going? Jason! You can't just leave me here like this. Why'd you stop? We were winning! Because I'm a lawyer! I can't have people taking pictures of me doing stuff like this. Can you imagine if the firm saw something like that? By default, the winner of the Flex Off is... - Bring the cup home, baby! - ...these two dildos.
Dirty Grandpa
30.4s
- Hey, there he is. - No. Don't even fucking talk to me. I know things got a little chaotic, but I'm so close with Lenore... What the fuck is wrong with you? I'm about to get fucking married, Grandpa! In one week! To a Jewish girl! And I just woke up in fucking jail with a bunch of penises on my forehead in the shape of a swastika! Could call it a swasticock. - What? - It's a play on words. Oh, it's a play on words.
Dirty Grandpa
1m27s
Could I have some pants? Please... Oh, Jesus Christ, I'm so sorry. Of course. Yeah, absolutely. You want khakis or sweatpants? - Khakis, please. - What brand? You like Dockers? - Yeah. - Yeah, okay. All right. You're like a 30... Yeah, 30 is fine. What I wouldn't give to fit in a 30. Maybe 20 years ago, you know? When I was seven years old. Yeah... all right. Also I'm gonna step out and get some lunch. Do you want a sandwich? I would love a sandwich. - Ham? Turkey? - Turkey? Turkey. That's so funny, because I'm a turkey guy myself. - You know. - Thank you so much. Okay, absolutely. You want mayo on that? - Uh, no thank you, no. - Okay. - Extra veggies. - Extra veggies? - Yes, please. - You got it. Absolutely. - And... - Salt and vinegar. - You want salt and vinegar as well? - Yeah, thank you. You gotta watch that sodium. That's what drives your blood pressure up, and blood pressure is a silent killer. All right, turkey, okay... all right. Yeah. And, uh, finally, do you want to be sodomized by a man with the mental age of seven who calls himself Ping-Pong, or do you want to be shivved by, uh, the same guy? Just let me know what time works for you, 'cause you're in fucking jail.
Dirty Grandpa