Found 289 results
27.1s
Thanks for doing this, by the way. Those fuckheads down at the DMV took my goddamn license away because of these fucking cataracts in my eye. But I can still hit the shit out of a golf ball, that's for sure! I made a tee time for us in Florida for this afternoon. You can use your grandmother's lady clubs, they're right there by the front door. Okay. All right, you ready? I thought the plan was to have breakfast here? That's your breakfast. Now let's go get in that giant labia you drove up in and get the fuck out of here.
Dirty Grandpa
21.3s
1m7s
Where do I know that guy from? He looks so familiar. He looks like Abercrombie fucked Fitch. Mmm, yeah, while J.Crew J'd-off. Shit! No, you guys, he was... It's so funny. He was my lab partner in photography class, freshman year. No shit! He's a Florida alum? Lenore, you can totally finish the trifecta. Oh, my God, I already have alum, remember? I fucked that crying divorced guy, Tony. - With the big balls. - Right. Yeah. - In the porta-potty. - Yeah. - At the tailgate. - Yeah. I need a professor. Wait, I'm sorry. What's the trifecta again? It's this thing I read about where in my senior year I have to fuck a freshman, an alumni, and a professor. - Where did you read that? - In my diary. Hmm. - Where I wrote it... - Yeah. He used to take the most beautiful portraits without using any filters or Photoshop... - I've read your diary. - He was amazing. Oh, my God, you did? - Yeah. - Did you like it? You guys aren't listening. I'm gonna go say hi to him. Okay? - Slut... - Cool... I hope you don't get Tommy Hilfingered. That was really late, but it still counts. Just like all my periods... - Ew. - What?
Dirty Grandpa
1m3s
You all set? Yeah, I just gave my money to the other waitress, sorry. There is no other waitress. I'm the only one who's ever worked here. Ever... Shit! The fucking piece of shit car never starts! Hey! God, he's like a Mitt Romney Terminator. Excuse me! Uh, sorry, my shift is actually over, so... Sorry... - Oh, no way. - What? - I know you. - No. Yeah, I do. You were in my photography class. You took all those landscapes. Right? - Shadia. - Yeah. Shadia. Holy shit, you're Shadia? - Yeah. Shadia. - Shadia. - Jamba! - What the fuck! Shadia. It means "singer" in Arabic. Or in ancient Arabic, "al-munshida alati tunadi lel-mei." Or, "she whose name calls others to water." - That's actually right. - Uh, Shadia, this is my... Dr. Richards. I teach history at the University of Georgia. You're a professor? Yeah. Why? You looking for some extra credit?
Dirty Grandpa
36.6s
Oh, my God, you should see your faces! I just went out to grab lunch and a new horse mask. I left mine at the beach the other day. Whoo! I thought you were gonna shit your pants, little guy. - Gun's real though. - What the fuck, man! Relax, this is Florida. Everything's a licensed gun range. You just shot through a wall, man! - Hey... - There's pedestrians outside! Yeah, again, it's Florida! These people don't matter. - What? - So? Welcome to Tam Pam Surf Slam. What can I do for you gentlemen? I'm Pam. - You're Pam? - Yeah. It's a nickname. Real name's Pamela.
Dirty Grandpa
21.7s
- What's Pam's Kids? - It's my kids. I got four kids by six different women. I know, the numbers don't add up. Most of 'em are pretty developmentally disabled. One of 'em you gotta push around in a weird chair. Heyo! Now that is the generosity of the human spirit, and I appreciate that. Some of this money's gonna feed my kids, some of it's gonna get me a blowjob by a toothless whore behind a Dumpster down at the McDonald's.
Dirty Grandpa
1m13s
How are those washed-out pictures you're taking because you still have the lighting optimizer on? They're not... Where is that? Actually, it's really hypersensitive on the new 60D model. So you have to... - Wait. What is that? - Okay, nope. - What are you doing? - Give it back, Malibu Ken. - No... - What? You did it. You turned into one of those people. I turned into one of those people that gives a shit about something? Are you gonna chain yourself to a polar bear? Only if you let me borrow... What is this, a beach sweater? - Yeah. - What, did you just come from skiing? Yeah, I skied in, just to see you save the world. - One Jell-O shot at a time. - High-five! You want me to do your back? Only if you promise to do my front first. Gladly. Oh. Whoops! That never usually happens. Really? It happens to me all the time. Well, guess who just took a shit in the water? We've been looking for you bitches all day. - Where the fuck have you been? - Uh, our car broke down in Orlando. Do you ever look at your cell phone? Awesome. Who are these cunt punches? These are our friends that we met on the way down. - Yeah. - That's Cody and Brah. They're on the lacrosse team at Florida. - This guy plays lacrosse? - All-conference, brah! Yeah? Which one, the fucking Diabetes Conference?
Dirty Grandpa
27.1s
Have you been reading shit off the shot glasses and the shirts in here and just saying it like it's wisdom? I was seriously trying to talk to you, man. Do you realize the stakes here? - You're ridiculous! - Smile. You've had a phone this entire fucking time? What else don't I know about you? How the hell do you know how to speak Arabic? Dad's never said anything about that. That's because your dad doesn't really know much about me. I was away with the army during most of his childhood. - So we were never that close. - Is that why he doesn't like you?
Dirty Grandpa
29.3s
Okay, cool. You're not cops. In which case, welcome to drugs! - Oh, my God. - Now, I'm pretty cool, so I only sell the stuff that occurs naturally. So I got weed, I got mushrooms, I got meth. - Meth? - Yeah. How is that natural? Well, it occurs naturally in my cousin's basement in Baltimore, if you know what I mean. Okay, fine, drugs aren't your thing. Got it. Message received. In which case, listen, we got a great local charity here. Pam's Kids.
Dirty Grandpa
27.2s
- Go Hornets! - Go Hornets, yeah... Hey, you know, one in three of these girls has herpes. Even if you can't see it. Oh, Jesus. Nut the fuck up. It's just a college party, you nance. Chill! Hey, here they are. I'm gonna get some beers. What about you, twinkle toes? You want some of dat drank? Some of dat purple drank? Some of dat purple-ass muthafuckin' pimp-dick drank? Who the fuck are you?
Dirty Grandpa