WOMAN: I wouldn't call it an obsession, but I'm pretty good at magic. - [ All exclaim ] - Yeah.
The Big Sick
14.5s
So, these are my real journals, honestly. And this is the woman who wrote them. - Poor gal. - [ Audience laughs ] Yeah. She-- She has no idea that, like, giant titties are about to sprout and change her life dramatically.
The Big Sick
2.5s
We should be ashamed of ourselves. We're weak. We're weak.
The Big Sick
7.9s
Who's Bob Dalavan? Bob Dalavan works for the Montreal Comedy Festival, you fucking doof. - He's here? - CJ: Yes. Don't you want to get noticed?
The Big Sick
2.4s
- Twenty? Big spender. - [ Laughs ]
The Big Sick
19s
SAM: I don't want kids. People say, "Sam, you're gonna love it. "This kid... You're gonna have a kid, "he's gonna be your best friend." A best friend that... that pukes on you and shits everywhere and is constantly screaming. I already have friends like that. - [ Audience laughs ] - People say, "Sam..." I know you're bummed, all right, but, like...
The Big Sick
9.1s
And we prayed a lot. Well, not a lot. Just five times a day. [ Audience laughs ] And we marry someone our parents find for us, arranged marriage, you know?
The Big Sick
4.6s
DODD: Keep it going for the next performer, my man, Mr. Kumail Nanjiani.
The Big Sick
13.4s
But, for me, it was probably that we got episodes of Knight Rider a little bit later. And by "little bit later, " I mean, we just got episode two. [ Audience laughs ] But other than that, it was exactly the same. [ "Devils Haircut" by Beck playing ]
The Big Sick
14.4s
He might've been doing cocaine. Was he doing cocaine recreationally? True cokehead. - Cocaine. - I wonder if he was. [ Audience applauding ] Now, before I bring out the next guy, you guys know tonight is Jell-O shot Tuesday! [ Whoops loudly ]
The Big Sick
2.4s
Nobody's on stage? No.
The Big Sick
20.2s
And we all know what happens after eight Jell-O shots. We urinate all over ourselves and puke. Okay, so I'm gonna bring up the next comic. - Confidence. Poise. - You know this man. Give it up for Mr. Chris Jones! - Smile. - [ Audience cheering ] - DODD: Chris! - He's like if a serial killer fucked an inspirational speaker. He's like Daniel Day-Lewis, except he sucks.
The Big Sick
2.4s
No day has lived up to that day.
The Big Sick
1.5s
We know who you are, Kumail.
The Big Sick
3.4s
Don't you want to move to L.A.? Hang out with Elijah Wood, and shit?
