Found 777 results
1m7s
Where do I know that guy from? He looks so familiar. He looks like Abercrombie fucked Fitch. Mmm, yeah, while J.Crew J'd-off. Shit! No, you guys, he was... It's so funny. He was my lab partner in photography class, freshman year. No shit! He's a Florida alum? Lenore, you can totally finish the trifecta. Oh, my God, I already have alum, remember? I fucked that crying divorced guy, Tony. - With the big balls. - Right. Yeah. - In the porta-potty. - Yeah. - At the tailgate. - Yeah. I need a professor. Wait, I'm sorry. What's the trifecta again? It's this thing I read about where in my senior year I have to fuck a freshman, an alumni, and a professor. - Where did you read that? - In my diary. Hmm. - Where I wrote it... - Yeah. He used to take the most beautiful portraits without using any filters or Photoshop... - I've read your diary. - He was amazing. Oh, my God, you did? - Yeah. - Did you like it? You guys aren't listening. I'm gonna go say hi to him. Okay? - Slut... - Cool... I hope you don't get Tommy Hilfingered. That was really late, but it still counts. Just like all my periods... - Ew. - What?
Dirty Grandpa
1m20s
All right, our team won! Let's celebrate by buying local drugs from a reputable, local drug dealer. Hey, what are you doing here? I'm selling drugs, man. I'm trying to put my kid through preschool. How honest is that! Touching my face a lot, bro. Touching my face a whole lot, man. Why don't you take some of this. This'Il mellow you out. - What is it? - E-cig, bro. "E" is for "Weed"! Sure, why not? Yeah, ooh, that's a big... That's a big one. Oh! Whoo! Just be glad you didn't smoke this, man. This is crack! - What? - Oh, yeah! This one... Oh, wait a minute... Maybe that one's crack and this one's weed. Hang on. What'd you do now, Pam? Fuck. Hold on. Which one's crack? Okay. I got this. Don't freak out. Sorry to worry you, man. You're not gonna believe this. - They're both crack. - What? And you have taken an amount that will probably kill you in about 30 minutes. - I just smoked crack? - Yeah. But just, like, a lot. I just smoked crack.
Dirty Grandpa
27.1s
Thanks for doing this, by the way. Those fuckheads down at the DMV took my goddamn license away because of these fucking cataracts in my eye. But I can still hit the shit out of a golf ball, that's for sure! I made a tee time for us in Florida for this afternoon. You can use your grandmother's lady clubs, they're right there by the front door. Okay. All right, you ready? I thought the plan was to have breakfast here? That's your breakfast. Now let's go get in that giant labia you drove up in and get the fuck out of here.
Dirty Grandpa
1m13s
How are those washed-out pictures you're taking because you still have the lighting optimizer on? They're not... Where is that? Actually, it's really hypersensitive on the new 60D model. So you have to... - Wait. What is that? - Okay, nope. - What are you doing? - Give it back, Malibu Ken. - No... - What? You did it. You turned into one of those people. I turned into one of those people that gives a shit about something? Are you gonna chain yourself to a polar bear? Only if you let me borrow... What is this, a beach sweater? - Yeah. - What, did you just come from skiing? Yeah, I skied in, just to see you save the world. - One Jell-O shot at a time. - High-five! You want me to do your back? Only if you promise to do my front first. Gladly. Oh. Whoops! That never usually happens. Really? It happens to me all the time. Well, guess who just took a shit in the water? We've been looking for you bitches all day. - Where the fuck have you been? - Uh, our car broke down in Orlando. Do you ever look at your cell phone? Awesome. Who are these cunt punches? These are our friends that we met on the way down. - Yeah. - That's Cody and Brah. They're on the lacrosse team at Florida. - This guy plays lacrosse? - All-conference, brah! Yeah? Which one, the fucking Diabetes Conference?
Dirty Grandpa
21.7s
- What's Pam's Kids? - It's my kids. I got four kids by six different women. I know, the numbers don't add up. Most of 'em are pretty developmentally disabled. One of 'em you gotta push around in a weird chair. Heyo! Now that is the generosity of the human spirit, and I appreciate that. Some of this money's gonna feed my kids, some of it's gonna get me a blowjob by a toothless whore behind a Dumpster down at the McDonald's.
Dirty Grandpa
27.6s
Yeah, I'm not really, you know, for sure... ...per say... ...what we're doing after graduation. I mean, - we have offers to play... - Blah, blah, blah... ...professional lacrosse in Europe, - but a bunch of agents - Words, words, words... also want us to start modeling, so... And again, we're talking about this fat fuck right here? You guys... Uh, you have to come see this right now.
Dirty Grandpa
1m19s
He just keeps walking by yelling weird shit, I don't know why... Okay, well, what restaurant are you at? - I can barely even hear you now. - We're at Chuck E. Cheese's... Daytona fucking Beach! Daytona fucking Beach! You're right, buddy! - You're in Daytona Beach? - Uh... Listen, we're just driving through Daytona Beach. - We're en route to Grandpa's... - Jason! I don't know why you're there, but you'd better call me from your grandfather's house - when you get there tonight, okay? - Of course, baby. I love you so much... - Fuck! - Marriage is hard. What'd the hot college girls text back? Grandpa, what are you texting them? - I just texted them. - What are you texting them? "We'll meet you on the beach." Yeah, and I added the emoji with the wink and the tongue out. I'm not kidding, Grandpa. You realize that if I don't call her from your house in Boca tonight, I'm fucked, man, I'm fucked. Jesus. Sounds like you're marrying your fucking parole officer. It's just Meredith. It's the way she is, man. She just gets, like, anxious when she doesn't know exactly where I am. Don't panic. It's organic. Yeah, I know. Couples get in fights all the time. But it's different with Meredith. She takes it to another level, man, and I'm telling you, if I don't call her from your house in Boca, I'm screwed. Well, ain't nobody got time for that. Yeah, I know. Clearly. Which is why I don't understand how we got so far off schedule. Oh... Sometimes life is just a fart zone, and you enter at your own risk.
Dirty Grandpa