Found 289 results
1m31s
Well? How do I look? Like the keynote speaker at a butt-fucking convention. - What? - What? We're gonna write in the first hole, it's an easy par-4. - No, no, no, no. Hey... - Jump in. - This is against the rules, Grandpa. - Fuck the rules. Jump in. Come on. Not to mention, a breach in golf etiquette. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep! - Whoa! Hey! - Out of my way, butt-fuckers! Really? What are you doing? We gotta get this guy to his butt-fucking convention. What are you trying to do, man? What was that all about? Hey. Now there's a million-dollar swing! I'm sorry! Um... You can go in front of us if you want to. We are not very good. No, it's a good cut, you're just not bending your knees enough. I'm a licensed golf pro. You mind if I show you? Yes, please. Maybe bend over a little bit... Here. That feels about right, doesn't it? Hands on my shaft... The shaft. Let me just get my finger in there. One, two, three... Oh! Oh, my God! Did you see that? Thank you! How long have you been teaching golf? Ever since I retired from being an astronaut. It's nice to see some heavenly bodies around here too. Hey, Grandpa, don't you think we should probably start golfing soon... - What the fuck? - Wanna be a lamb and get that for me? - Did he just call you "Grandpa"? - Who, Pepe? He's a retard. Got it pretty bad, too. He thinks I'm his grandpa. He usually sits at home just drawing dolphins all day. We used to let him out on his own, but the raping got so bad that we just...
Dirty Grandpa
22.2s
Hey, hey! Come on! What the hell! Hey, guy, unless you want a Chipwich or some heroin, get off my ice cream truck! Who the fuck is this slob? Slob? I am a small business owner! I am the backbone of this country! I am holding a Taser! - Whoa! Shit! - Dude, should I stop? - What are you... - I'm kind of in the middle of it right here. Shit! All right.
Dirty Grandpa
25.3s
Uh-oh! Has the old man fallen? Or is it... One-armed motherfucking push-ups! Holy shit! Lesbian daughter's getting in on the action! I happen to know he smoked crack last night! These push-ups are fueled by the devil's candy! Unbelievable! Your move, Dolly Parton. What are you gonna do now, team Top Gun?
Dirty Grandpa
19.5s
I kind of feel like we're just getting in your way. - Yeah? - I'm sure there's something... What the fuck? Did you just get naked? - It's the best way to sleep. - Oh, my God! I picked it up in Uganda from the Umbatdo. Umbat-don't let your junk touch my leg again or you're sleeping on the floor.
Dirty Grandpa
1m3s
You all set? Yeah, I just gave my money to the other waitress, sorry. There is no other waitress. I'm the only one who's ever worked here. Ever... Shit! The fucking piece of shit car never starts! Hey! God, he's like a Mitt Romney Terminator. Excuse me! Uh, sorry, my shift is actually over, so... Sorry... - Oh, no way. - What? - I know you. - No. Yeah, I do. You were in my photography class. You took all those landscapes. Right? - Shadia. - Yeah. Shadia. Holy shit, you're Shadia? - Yeah. Shadia. - Shadia. - Jamba! - What the fuck! Shadia. It means "singer" in Arabic. Or in ancient Arabic, "al-munshida alati tunadi lel-mei." Or, "she whose name calls others to water." - That's actually right. - Uh, Shadia, this is my... Dr. Richards. I teach history at the University of Georgia. You're a professor? Yeah. Why? You looking for some extra credit?
Dirty Grandpa
1m21s
Jason and I are doing a story on the Middle East. He's a photographer for Time magazine. You know, I lost my virginity at my pop-pop's bingo night. My name's Lenore. Ah! "The rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore" Quoth the Raven, 'Nevermore'" - Diplomaticos, huh? - Hey, you know your cigars. What are you, half Cuban or something? Actually, I am, professor. - The bottom half. - Okay. Okay, yeah, we're heading out. - Yeah. - Good to see you. We're going to Daytona Beach for the week. Oh, my God, and we should have been there three fucking hours ago... ...so let's go, bitches! - Holy shit. - What? Nothing. You're just really gay. Oh, am I? Thanks, Captain Gaydar. Jesus! You know, I'm also black, right? Yeah, I know. That's funny too. So you guys wanna tag along for a bit maybe? Party some babies into us? - Absolutely not! - Absolutely not! - Why? - We have a very important tee time. Of course you do. And do you also have to take a nap before you play Mahjong? - No, it's shuffleboard. - Shuffleboard. And then early dinner at 4:00. We have a long-standing bet. Who's the better golfer. Obviously I've got the bigger 3-wood... Good. Maybe you can use it to hit your balls right into my vagina. - Holy shit! - Okay, we're going inside now. - Jesus! - Let's go. That's enough. - Bye, professor. - Thanks for lunch. Peace!
Dirty Grandpa