The Three Keys of Coolness in High School, by Jenko. One, don't try hard at anything. Okay? Two, make fun of people who do try. Three, be handsome. Four, if anyone steps to you on the first day of school, you punch them directly in the face. Five, drive a kick-ass car.
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- All right, come on. - Yeah, let's... I brought tacos, so that's cool.
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Look at him. He's trying. He's actually trying. What a nerd. Look at the nerd. Look at the nerd. - Look at him. Look at the nerd. - Who you calling a nerd, man? I'm sorry. What...
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- No, dude, I'm Brad. - Okay, good. So that means your name is Doug, son. - Yeah, I'm Doug. - Great. Here are your class schedules. Funny, I wouldn't have taken you for the brainy type. I wouldn't. But you as a drama geek, far less surprising. Thank you. Now we have the wrong identities, you dumb-ass. I'm in drama. I suck at drama. It's girly and embarrassing. Oh, my God. Relax, dude. Who cares? I can fake my way through band practice and app chemistry for a few weeks. AP Chemistry. AP Chemistry. And, no, you can't, because you don't even know what it's actually fucking called!
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Those are nerds.
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- What about you? - Biodiesel, dawg. Smells like egg rolls. Yeah, it does. Runs on leftover fry oil from Hunan Palace. But we try to ride bikes when we can. Global crisis and whatnot.
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Okay, those are Goths.
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Hey. How are you? - How is my favorite police officer? - Okay. Your mother told me that you are undercover. Listen, now is not a really good time.
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My hand!
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And I fuckin' cherish you.
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What?
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Dude, that was so crazy, man. I swear, best party I've been to in years. Dude, I'm doing crazy stuff like that, - like, all the time, man. - I bet you are. Dude, I'm so amped right now, God!
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You okay?
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All right, let's do it. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - What? What are you doing? - What? What are you talking about? - Are you two-strapping?
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You got to one-strap it. Seriously, I would no-strap it if that would even be possible. Okay, what makes you the expert? I was cool in high school, and you weren't.
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What the fuck are those things? I'm so confused right now.
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So your parents are just cool with having people over whenever? Yeah, you know, they're out most nights. Pretty laissez-faire about the whole thing.
