You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public. I fucked her with a parsnip last week and I sold the parsnip to a family with four small children.
Ted
11.3s
This is Wade Boggs' autographed bat. I just barely outbid Phil Donahue for that at auction. Wow, cool. Yeah, cool. These boxing gloves were worn by Joe Louis in his first fight.
Ted
4.2s
Well, that's good to hear. Yeah. (CELL PHONE RINGING)
Ted
3.7s
You son of a bitch! Well, you never should have trusted me. I'm on drugs.
Ted
14.5s
You have to understand, I had no friends before he came along. He's the only reason I ever gained any fucking confidence. But you're no longer eight. You're 35 years old. And unless you're too blind to notice, he's not your only friend anymore. Can we talk about this another time, and just enjoy our anniversary dinner?
Ted
1.4s
Hey.
Ted
3.7s
MAN: asshole! TED: That's my bad. I was sending a tweet.
Ted
3.4s
Yes, he is, my little winner. Yes, he is.
Ted
10.5s
Now, I know we said no gifts, but... We said no such thing. I got you something anyway, in clear violation of the "no gift" rule. We had no such rule. Lori, I've wanted to give this to you for a long time.
Ted
1.6s
(THUNDER CRASHES LOUDLY)
Ted
2.8s
Do I need to wash my hands before I play this game?
Ted
1.5s
(SINGING)
Ted
1.5s
(POLICE SIREN WAILING)
Ted
2.7s
Johnny. It's me.
Ted
1.2s
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
Ted
7.5s
Yeah, Rex is having a house party but I'm surprised John didn't tell you, considering you two have seen each other every single day since you moved out.
Ted
5.4s
REX: That was insane. Did you see the way the guy's body hit the ground? He was like a ragdoll.
