SAM: I don't want kids. People say, "Sam, you're gonna love it. "This kid... You're gonna have a kid, "he's gonna be your best friend." A best friend that... that pukes on you and shits everywhere and is constantly screaming. I already have friends like that. - [ Audience laughs ] - People say, "Sam..." I know you're bummed, all right, but, like...
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9.1s
And we prayed a lot. Well, not a lot. Just five times a day. [ Audience laughs ] And we marry someone our parents find for us, arranged marriage, you know?
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4.6s
DODD: Keep it going for the next performer, my man, Mr. Kumail Nanjiani.
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But, for me, it was probably that we got episodes of Knight Rider a little bit later. And by "little bit later, " I mean, we just got episode two. [ Audience laughs ] But other than that, it was exactly the same. [ "Devils Haircut" by Beck playing ]
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14.4s
He might've been doing cocaine. Was he doing cocaine recreationally? True cokehead. - Cocaine. - I wonder if he was. [ Audience applauding ] Now, before I bring out the next guy, you guys know tonight is Jell-O shot Tuesday! [ Whoops loudly ]
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Nobody's on stage? No.
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And we all know what happens after eight Jell-O shots. We urinate all over ourselves and puke. Okay, so I'm gonna bring up the next comic. - Confidence. Poise. - You know this man. Give it up for Mr. Chris Jones! - Smile. - [ Audience cheering ] - DODD: Chris! - He's like if a serial killer fucked an inspirational speaker. He's like Daniel Day-Lewis, except he sucks.
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2.4s
No day has lived up to that day.
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We know who you are, Kumail.
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Don't you want to move to L.A.? Hang out with Elijah Wood, and shit?
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- [ Applause ] - [ Cheering ]
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1.1s
Hello?
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KUMAIL: Hello.
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3.7s
There's a massive infection in her lungs, and all her vitals are elevated.
