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15.4s

Lori, the worst that can happen is that you go on a fun, casual date with a guy who just wants a chance to prove that he can be something more than a jerk. Plus, you are a huge catch. And it's about time someone treated you that way.

Ted

3.7s

And it reminds me that things aren't so bad.

Ted

14.5s

You have to understand, I had no friends before he came along. He's the only reason I ever gained any fucking confidence. But you're no longer eight. You're 35 years old. And unless you're too blind to notice, he's not your only friend anymore. Can we talk about this another time, and just enjoy our anniversary dinner?

Ted

11.5s

You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public. I fucked her with a parsnip last week and I sold the parsnip to a family with four small children.

Ted

11.3s

This is Wade Boggs' autographed bat. I just barely outbid Phil Donahue for that at auction. Wow, cool. Yeah, cool. These boxing gloves were worn by Joe Louis in his first fight.

Ted

6.1s

Well, you know, I don't have to be at work for another 20 minutes.

Ted

2.9s

Those are the ones you like, right? From that kiosk at the mall.

Ted

1.7s

(AUDIENCE SHOUTING)

Ted

12.9s

You know, Sam, there's only one way to end a perfect day. What's that? Flash jump. Right. BOTH: One, two, three! Yeah!

Ted

4.1s

Oh, hey, listen, try this. I told my weed guy to step it up and he gave me that.

Ted

3.5s

Baby, I don't know if this is going to work. Please, just try.

Ted

2.4s

Can you just email me the rest of this story?

Ted

1.7s

I need to tell you something.

Ted

2.2s

Boom. That's me and Skerritt.

Ted

1.3s

(APPLAUSE)

Ted

8.2s

And I promised myself that if I ever had a son, I would never, ever, ever say no to him.

Ted

25.5s

You promised me this was about work. Lori, why don't you like me? Ugh! I'm rich, I'm good-looking, my dad owns the company. I have a boyfriend. I have told you this. Yeah, the guy with the bear. But I'm talking about a mature relationship, Lori. If we were together, our babies would be spectacular. With my top-of-the-pyramid Caucasian genes and your splash of dark, beautiful, smoky...

Ted

15.7s

Well, you're probably not used to seeing me fully clothed. Yeah, I know, right? Me and Norah met in 2002 at a party at Belinda Carlisle's house and we had awkward fuzzy sex in the coatroom. Actually, you weren't so bad for a guy with no penis. You know, I have written so many angry letters to Hasbro about that.

Ted

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Lori, the worst that can happen is that you go on a fun, casual date with a guy who just wants a chance to prove that he can be something more than a jerk. Plus, you are a huge catch. And it's about time someone treated you that way.

And it reminds me that things aren't so bad.

You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public. I fucked her with a parsnip last week and I sold the parsnip to a family with four small children.

This is Wade Boggs' autographed bat. I just barely outbid Phil Donahue for that at auction. Wow, cool. Yeah, cool. These boxing gloves were worn by Joe Louis in his first fight.

Well, you know, I don't have to be at work for another 20 minutes.

Those are the ones you like, right? From that kiosk at the mall.

(AUDIENCE SHOUTING)

You know, Sam, there's only one way to end a perfect day. What's that? Flash jump. Right. BOTH: One, two, three! Yeah!

Oh, hey, listen, try this. I told my weed guy to step it up and he gave me that.

Baby, I don't know if this is going to work. Please, just try.

Can you just email me the rest of this story?

I need to tell you something.

Boom. That's me and Skerritt.

(APPLAUSE)

And I promised myself that if I ever had a son, I would never, ever, ever say no to him.