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4.1s

See, that's why I watch these things. That's like a cool behind-the-scenes thing that you wouldn't know.

Ted

2.4s

Holy shit. Oh, my God. What?

Ted

1.2s

Oh.

Ted

10.6s

You? You know, not bad actually. I met a girl. She's a cashier. No way, that's awesome! Yeah. Well, we should fucking double-date, or something. You, me and Lori, and what's her name? White trash name. Guess.

Ted

4.9s

Trust me, I can do this. Shut up. Let him try it, man. All right, fuck it.

Ted

2.2s

I'm going to have sex with your girlfriend.

Ted

1.2s

I had no idea.

Ted

1.2s

(SIGHS)

Ted

21.8s

Well, I am a former celebrity in a minimum wage job. This is how the cast of Diff'rent Strokes feels. All day, every day. Just awful. They must feel awful. The live ones must feel awful. Come on. It's not that bad, okay? I got a shitty job, and I assure you, lam quite content. Excuse me. I'm sorry to bother you but my son and I couldn't help but admire your teddy bear.

Ted

6.7s

Even Maybe "no" to a Snickers bar every once in a while wouldn't hurt. Me and Ted are going to be best friends, Daddy.

Ted

5.4s

REX: That was insane. Did you see the way the guy's body hit the ground? He was like a ragdoll.

Ted

5.2s

Woody Harrelson. Smallest dick I've ever seen on a man. (BOTH LAUGHING)

Ted

1.2s

JOHN: Shit!

Ted

5.2s

Uh... Cocaine, right? Come on, dudes. Don't tell me you never done it before.

Ted

4.4s

All right, Kareem! (GLASS SHATTERING) Ah! You suck, Kareem.

Ted

3.2s

I just farted. That was a man fart. (GIGGLES)

Ted

19.5s

I look stupid. No you don't. You look dapper. I don't. I look like Snuggle's accountant. Come on, it's not that bad. John, I look like something you give your kid when you tell him Grandma died. Look, I know it sucks, okay? But you've got to make some money so you can pay for an apartment. I don't want to work at a grocery store. Yeah, but you have no skills. I told you, I can totally be a lawyer.

Ted

5.2s

You know, if your leg got trapped under a rock I'd chew it off to get you free.

Ted

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See, that's why I watch these things. That's like a cool behind-the-scenes thing that you wouldn't know.

Holy shit. Oh, my God. What?

Oh.

You? You know, not bad actually. I met a girl. She's a cashier. No way, that's awesome! Yeah. Well, we should fucking double-date, or something. You, me and Lori, and what's her name? White trash name. Guess.

Trust me, I can do this. Shut up. Let him try it, man. All right, fuck it.

I'm going to have sex with your girlfriend.

I had no idea.

(SIGHS)

Even Maybe "no" to a Snickers bar every once in a while wouldn't hurt. Me and Ted are going to be best friends, Daddy.

REX: That was insane. Did you see the way the guy's body hit the ground? He was like a ragdoll.

Woody Harrelson. Smallest dick I've ever seen on a man. (BOTH LAUGHING)

JOHN: Shit!

Uh... Cocaine, right? Come on, dudes. Don't tell me you never done it before.

All right, Kareem! (GLASS SHATTERING) Ah! You suck, Kareem.

I just farted. That was a man fart. (GIGGLES)

You know, if your leg got trapped under a rock I'd chew it off to get you free.