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1.4s

Hey.

Ted

1.8s

(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

Ted

4.8s

What? Excuse me? I want it. I'm not an "it," pal. I'm a "he," all right?

Ted

9s

I love you girls. You know, somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night. What is that? What is what?

Ted

2.4s

There's something that I need to say to you, too.

Ted

10.5s

Now, I know we said no gifts, but... We said no such thing. I got you something anyway, in clear violation of the "no gift" rule. We had no such rule. Lori, I've wanted to give this to you for a long time.

Ted

2.9s

If you can cover for me, I'm cool with all that other shit.

Ted

3.7s

And it reminds me that things aren't so bad.

Ted

14.5s

You have to understand, I had no friends before he came along. He's the only reason I ever gained any fucking confidence. But you're no longer eight. You're 35 years old. And unless you're too blind to notice, he's not your only friend anymore. Can we talk about this another time, and just enjoy our anniversary dinner?

Ted

11.3s

This is Wade Boggs' autographed bat. I just barely outbid Phil Donahue for that at auction. Wow, cool. Yeah, cool. These boxing gloves were worn by Joe Louis in his first fight.

Ted

6.1s

Well, you know, I don't have to be at work for another 20 minutes.

Ted

1.7s

(AUDIENCE SHOUTING)

Ted

4.1s

Oh, hey, listen, try this. I told my weed guy to step it up and he gave me that.

Ted

2.4s

Can you just email me the rest of this story?

Ted

8.2s

And I promised myself that if I ever had a son, I would never, ever, ever say no to him.

Ted

25.5s

You promised me this was about work. Lori, why don't you like me? Ugh! I'm rich, I'm good-looking, my dad owns the company. I have a boyfriend. I have told you this. Yeah, the guy with the bear. But I'm talking about a mature relationship, Lori. If we were together, our babies would be spectacular. With my top-of-the-pyramid Caucasian genes and your splash of dark, beautiful, smoky...

Ted

15.7s

Well, you're probably not used to seeing me fully clothed. Yeah, I know, right? Me and Norah met in 2002 at a party at Belinda Carlisle's house and we had awkward fuzzy sex in the coatroom. Actually, you weren't so bad for a guy with no penis. You know, I have written so many angry letters to Hasbro about that.

Ted

3.4s

This is how everybody sang in the '90s. (SINGING)

Ted

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Hey.

(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

What? Excuse me? I want it. I'm not an "it," pal. I'm a "he," all right?

I love you girls. You know, somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night. What is that? What is what?

There's something that I need to say to you, too.

Now, I know we said no gifts, but... We said no such thing. I got you something anyway, in clear violation of the "no gift" rule. We had no such rule. Lori, I've wanted to give this to you for a long time.

If you can cover for me, I'm cool with all that other shit.

And it reminds me that things aren't so bad.

This is Wade Boggs' autographed bat. I just barely outbid Phil Donahue for that at auction. Wow, cool. Yeah, cool. These boxing gloves were worn by Joe Louis in his first fight.

Well, you know, I don't have to be at work for another 20 minutes.

(AUDIENCE SHOUTING)

Oh, hey, listen, try this. I told my weed guy to step it up and he gave me that.

Can you just email me the rest of this story?

And I promised myself that if I ever had a son, I would never, ever, ever say no to him.

This is how everybody sang in the '90s. (SINGING)