I love you girls. You know, somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night. What is that? What is what?
Ted
4.8s
What? Excuse me? I want it. I'm not an "it," pal. I'm a "he," all right?
Ted
1.8s
(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
Ted
1.2s
Stay with them.
Ted
3.7s
And it reminds me that things aren't so bad.
Ted
6.1s
Well, you know, I don't have to be at work for another 20 minutes.
Ted
15.4s
Lori, the worst that can happen is that you go on a fun, casual date with a guy who just wants a chance to prove that he can be something more than a jerk. Plus, you are a huge catch. And it's about time someone treated you that way.
Ted
2.9s
If you can cover for me, I'm cool with all that other shit.
Ted
1.7s
(AUDIENCE SHOUTING)
Ted
11.5s
You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public. I fucked her with a parsnip last week and I sold the parsnip to a family with four small children.
Ted
11.3s
This is Wade Boggs' autographed bat. I just barely outbid Phil Donahue for that at auction. Wow, cool. Yeah, cool. These boxing gloves were worn by Joe Louis in his first fight.
Ted
4.2s
Well, that's good to hear. Yeah. (CELL PHONE RINGING)
Ted
3.7s
You son of a bitch! Well, you never should have trusted me. I'm on drugs.
Ted
14.5s
You have to understand, I had no friends before he came along. He's the only reason I ever gained any fucking confidence. But you're no longer eight. You're 35 years old. And unless you're too blind to notice, he's not your only friend anymore. Can we talk about this another time, and just enjoy our anniversary dinner?
Ted
1.4s
Hey.
Ted
3.7s
MAN: asshole! TED: That's my bad. I was sending a tweet.
