What are you talking about? You're the one who needs the sperm. Yeah, but it's got to be a human hand. It's got to be skin on skin, otherwise it doesn't work. No, it doesn't. It's just friction. Look, I've never done this before. Neither have I. You do it to yourself. Yeah, but that's different. You're an adult with a poster of this guy in your fucking room. You're telling me you don't want this?
Ted 2
12.5s
Two League MVPs, four Super Bowl rings, guaranteed first ballot Hall of Famer. Now let's give him a handjob into this red Solo cup. (WHISPERS) All right. Go ahead. Wait, what do you mean, "Go ahead"? You got to do it.
Ted 2
7.4s
Yeah, I want it! You know I want it, but I'm nervous. What if he doesn't like the way I'm doing it? He deserves the best! Pull yourself together, for God's sakes. He's gonna love it. Go, go, go!
Ted 2
7.4s
As much as anybody I've ever known. Sam, that means the world coming from someone who went to Arizona State.
Ted 2
5.9s
But you know what? Who gives a shit? Right? It doesn't matter what the world calls me. I know who I am.
Ted 2
1.7s
And that's all that's important.
Ted 2
6.3s
Which one? All right, two can play this Where's Waldo shit, you son of a bitch! Sam, give me your phone.
Ted 2
1.2s
Oh.
Ted 2
1.6s
What a prick!
Ted 2
8.4s
Jeez, I wonder who this place belongs to. Maybe we should find someplace else. (PLAYS GUITAR) We're in the middle of nowhere. If we get out of here by dawn, we should be fine, right?
Ted 2
2.4s
Um, are those hard candies, like, just to take?
Ted 2
3s
You see him anywhere? No. Let's try in there.
Ted 2
2s
I want to feel useful, you know?
Ted 2
13.7s
Thunder buddies for life. Come on. We got to get out of here before the cops show up. MALE OFFICER: All units, we have a 3-17 on Maple Drive. Area units, please respond. What's a 3-17? Someone's trying to steal Tom Brady's jizz again.
