Found 289 results
22.1s
Look, I don't expect you to understand. You're young. You have a long, long time before you have to look into that abyss. But the way I see it, having sex with that girl is my last stand. And I can't do it without you. So I'm asking you. Please, Jason, just stay one more day so I can do this. Please.
Dirty Grandpa
41s
New dad at 72. Great fucking idea. Hey, watch your potty mouth! - Jesus, sorry... - Yeah, clean up your language. And show some respect for your new grandmother! - I'm sorry, honey. - That's all right. And sweetie, would it kill you to visit us sometimes? - We never see you. - Sorry, Nanna. Did you get that card I sent for your birthday? - Yeah. - Mm-hm. Yeah, with the $12 check? It was a very nice touch. Thank you. Thank you, that's right. Hey, are you gaining some weight? - You look a little heavy in the face. - No, what are you talking about? - Where'd this come from, huh? - What? - You wanna... - Where'd these guys come from? - What? - Wanna go get the car? - Yeah. All right. - Okay. I'll pull around the minivan. Go to Daddy. There we go, come to Daddy. All right.
Dirty Grandpa
34.5s
- Shadia! - Jason? Stop the bus! I need to talk to you! What are you doing here - in an ice cream truck? - Stop the bus! - Okay! - Pull over! I'm not pulling over! Thanks a lot, Pam! You narc! What! I'm not a narc, Barry! Fuck you! Pam, you know him? Barry? Yeah, he's, like, my best friend. I sold him, like, six tons of ecstasy... Oh! That's why they're not stopping the bus. It's full of drugs. Classic Pam. - I know that man. - Stop the bus! - Jason, where are you going? - What are you doing?
Dirty Grandpa
1m7s
So you're a lawyer at your dad's firm now, is that right? That's right, and Meredith is too. You know, her dad is one of the managing partners there, so... - I know, that's... - Yeah. It couldn't have worked out better. Because it's just that I remember when you were in high school, you told me how much you wanted to be a photographer, travel the world. That sort of thing. You remember when I got you that subscription to Time magazine? Yeah, I used to be into photography, but, um... I mean, with Dad being at the firm, pfft, it just made so much more sense to focus on a college curriculum that stressed the law school track. I mean, I love what I do, Grandpa. Being a corporate lawyer is awesome, I get to handle SEC compliance... - No shit! - Yeah. Yeah. You handle SEC compliance? - LP agreements. - Oh, man, I didn't know that. - LLC agreements. - You're shitting me! Being a corporate lawyer, it's got its upsides. - You know what I'd rather do? - What? I'd rather let Queen Latifah shit in my mouth from a fucking hot air balloon. That's me. I'm gonna hit the liquor store over there, get some more of the creature. Meet you back at the Dildomobile in five. You're paying the check, Alan Douche-owitz.
Dirty Grandpa
1m50s
Anyway, I'm down in Valdosta right now. I opened up a fucking pet shop... - Not pet shop, "puppy mill." - Puppy mill... You know, designer dogs get a bad name, but they can go for quite a pretty penny. - Really? - It's just hard to get them to mate. - Oh. - Because the little dogs, they don't wanna fuck the big dogs, and the big dogs, they don't wanna fuck the little dogs... So I gotta manually do it, you know. I gotta spread and manually shoot in. - Uh-huh. - So, what's up with you? - Well, I'm keeping pretty busy... - Cool. - Hey, Diane, how's it going? - Hi, Nick. - Hey, Nick. - I just don't understand why you have to drive down to Florida tomorrow already, Dad! We just had the funeral. Your grandmother and I were there at this time every year. It's what she would have wanted. I'd drive down myself, except they took my license away. But why does Jason have to be the one to drive you? He's so busy at work... Got the wedding coming up next weekend, the rehearsal brunch. You know, the entire law firm is coming to this. - It's true, Grandpa. - Jason... We have a lot of stuff, Meredith and l... I'll handle it. Go ahead. How about Cousin Nick? Huh, Dad? Why doesn't Nick do it? We got this chocolate lab down at the store that is just so horny, every time I touch the back of its ear, it just gushes cum. - Uh, okay. - I mean, like a squirting... Is that your dog? Nick isn't legally allowed to leave the state of Georgia anymore. I've barely seen this guy since high school. What's wrong with spending some time with him? Oh, so spending time with family is suddenly important to you now? Look, he can come here tomorrow morning for breakfast. We can drive down to Boca during the day, maybe play a round of golf or two, then he'd be back here in Atlanta the next day. He can't just flake off for two days! The risk versus reward here is just... I don't see it happening. It's what she would have wanted, that's all. But if you have to get ready for your wedding, if you're that busy...
Dirty Grandpa
59s
All right, we're about to boat race a bunch of those fucks from the University of Georgia up in the room. So... Oh, my God! University of Georgia! - No way! You're a Hornet? - Afraid so. Well, you guys should get in there then, Edward Jizzumhands. Well, thank you. We will. Good, that's great. I'll see you up there. Oh, good. Well, you say we'll be there and on time. - Sweet. I will. - Yeah. Yeah, let's do that. - No, we should. - Let's do it now. - Yeah, I'll see you up there. - What... Come to the hotel. By the pool. Georgia sucks! Can we please just go? They've got boyfriends. Those meatdick fucks? They're not their boyfriends. They're just seniors, and they're all just terrified and speed-fucking each other before the ship goes down. Didn't you ever go on Spring Break? No, I didn't go to Spring Break, 'cause I was studying for law school. Besides, I can't chug alcohol anymore like I used to, Grandpa. I've developed, like, a gag reflex. - A gag reflex? - Yeah. You're chugging a beer, not taking down a horse cock, Jason. Come on.
Dirty Grandpa
39.5s
I just don't understand why he wants you to take him. You're not even that close. Well, we used to be. Grandpa and I got along growing up. We used to build these model trains every Christmas, so I brought him... Well, it seems like we're cutting it a little close here, you know, - with the rehearsal brunch on Friday... - I know. I know. And by the way, I can't find any of the Martha's Vineyard vacation photos for the slide show. I'm just freaking out. That's because they're on my laptop, which I've got right here. So I'll send them to the wedding planner. You don't have to worry about anything. Thanks. And your dad says take 75, because 16 takes forever. Yeah, I know. He's got it all mapped out for me. And can you take my car, sweetie? Uh, I need the SUV for the wine.
Dirty Grandpa