[ALAN CHUCKLES] You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack, it grew by one. So were there two... So there were two of us in the wolf pack. I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago... ...when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought: 'Wait a second. Could it be? ' And now, I know for sure. I just added two more guys to my wolf pack." - All right. - All right. ALAN: "Four of us wolves... ...running around the desert together in Las Vegas... ...looking for strippers and cocaine." So tonight... ...I make a toast. - Whoa. - What...? - What do you got there? PHIL: Dude, what the fuck? DOUG: What the hell are you doing?
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- Okay, okay. All right, fine, fine. - What do you want? Not so good now. Quid pro quo, douche bag. What? Look, we're very sorry. But this is an easy fix. - Alan, where's his purse? - I don't know. - It's in the hotel room, right? - Yeah, we can get it. We can get you the... We can even write you a check right now. No chance. Cash only. - There's a person in there. CHOW: Boring. [YAWNS] Take nap. Come on. Wait. I'm sorry we're boring you! PHIL: Doug, it's okay. - You kidnapped our friend! Kidnapper! PHIL: Wait. STU: Oh, no. You're not going anywhere.
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DOUG: Uh-Oh. - What the hell is that? STU: What do you think? If it's what I think it is, I think it's a big fucking mistake.
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Hey, sweetie, it's okay. I got a little snack for you. Real important that you eat this, okay?
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PHIL: Oh, God. ALAN: Watch it! STU: His nose. That's his nose.
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All right, let's pick a room, let's get dressed. Be ready in 30 minutes.
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Ah! I told you you had the wrong guy, little boy. Damn, Alan, what the fuck you got me into? - You know him? - This is the guy that sold me the bad drugs. - How you doing? - I didn't sell you no fucking bad drugs. - Wait. He sold you the Ruphylin? - Ruphylin? I sold you that Ru...? Wha...? - Who gives a shit? Where is Doug? - I am Doug. - Your name's Doug? - Yes, I'm Doug. His name's Doug too. Ha. Classic mix-up. Come on. - Hey, Chow. You gave us the wrong Doug. - Not my problem. No, fuck that shit. Now, you give us our 80 grand back and take him with you! - No. Come on. I'll be your Doug. - Oh, yeah, okay. Oh, I take him back. Right after you suck on these little Chinese nuts.
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You're okay. Ha, ha, ha! Oh, God. We gotta go, buddy. Come on. Oh, we have been looking everywhere for you. - He's alive. - What the fuck is going on? We can explain everything, but right now we gotta go. - Hey, bud. You okay? - No. Not okay. You look good, you got some color. I'm jealous. - I'm getting married today. - Yes, you are. That's why you need to focus and do everything we say. Because, frankly, you're wasting a little bit of time right now. You fucking asshole!
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CHOW: Ta-da. [STU SHOUTS] Is this some kind ofjoke? Who the hell is this? That is not Doug. What you talking about, Willis? That him. No, I'm sorry, Mr. Chow. That's not our friend. - He... That's... - The Doug we're looking for is a white.
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And I promise for as long as we're married... ...to never, ever put you through anything like this again.
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Yeah, no, there's no TVs, no phones. They just have these cute little antique radios in all the rooms. Yeah.
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So, what do you guys got under there? Just a whole bunch of "mind your own business."
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I don't know what to say. Thanks for the bachelor party, I guess?
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Don't make any sudden movements.
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Thank you.
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We wait.
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- Tell me what, Sid? - The Mercedes. It is a wedding gift from Linda and I.
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By the way, where you get that cop car from? We, uh, stole it from these dumb-ass cops. Nice. [LAUGHING] High five that one. Yeah, that's nice. PHIL: You know, I just have to say... ...I have never seen a more beautiful, elegant, just regal creature. PHIL: Check it out. Stu. Stu. Fuck this tiger. STU: Oh, my God. That's awful. MIKE: Oh, man. [STU LAUGHING ON VIDEO] PHIL [OVER TV]: Oh, shit. - Who does shit like that, man?