Patrick Stewart Ted Clubberlang Comedy Clear all

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22.9s
Oh, thank you. Thanks. Yeah. I'm Donny, this is Robert. I have to say, I've been following you ever since I was a young boy and I remember seeing you on the Carson show. You were just wonderful. Oh, yeah, that was a weird interview. Ed thought I was ALF, and he kept muttering anti-Semitic comments. He thought ALF was Jewish for some reason. Have you ever considered selling the bear?

Ted

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11s
Yeah, but what about "thunder buddies for life," Johnny? I know. I just don't know what to do, here. I know it sucks, but otherwise I'm going to lose her. And I do love her, Ted.

Ted

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2.9s
Even more than me.

Ted

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1.4s
Lori.

Ted

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3.8s
(LAUGHS) I'm just kidding you. I thought it would be funny if you thought I was fucking retarded.

Ted

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4.4s
No. No. I wished for my life back.

Ted

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1.7s
(GROANING)

Ted

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13.5s
He knows he screwed up huge but you've got to believe me it wasn't all his fault. I told him to bail on you that night at Rex's and he said, "No." He said "no," he was going to stay there with you, and I twisted his arm, Lori.

Ted

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8.5s
That's the new checkout girl. Don't know her name. Seems cute. Yeah, very cute. Do you know what I'd like to do to her? Something I call a Dirty Fozzie.

Ted

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5.9s
What I meant to say was Ted's very handsome so I'm always interested in meeting the lady that can snatch him up.

Ted

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6.2s
For some reason I thought you were going to be taller. I thought you were going to be funnier. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Ted

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2.5s
I'm not going to try to get you to take me back.

Ted

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1.7s
(THUNDER CRASHING) (SCREAMS)

Ted

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2.1s
Really? Yeah, many times.

Ted

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1.7s
I don't know if I can drive!

Ted

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1.3s
(BRAKES SCREECHING)

Ted

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2.3s
John, it's almost 10:00.

Ted

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29.1s
Jesus Christ! What the fuck, man? Sorry. Look, Johnny, I know you're pissed, all right? But just listen to me for five seconds. I saw Lori leaving the apartment with Rex. What? I'm serious, John. I went over to talk to her and maybe take some of the heat off you. And there he was, picking her up. They were going to the Hatch Shell. You're fucking unbelievable, you know that? How stupid do you think I am? If you think that by making shit like that up you're going to make me choose some kind of loyalty to you over her you're out of your fucking mind. Johnny, it's the truth, I'm telling you. You know what? Get out of here.

Ted