Found 881 results
1m21s
Jason and I are doing a story on the Middle East. He's a photographer for Time magazine. You know, I lost my virginity at my pop-pop's bingo night. My name's Lenore. Ah! "The rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore" Quoth the Raven, 'Nevermore'" - Diplomaticos, huh? - Hey, you know your cigars. What are you, half Cuban or something? Actually, I am, professor. - The bottom half. - Okay. Okay, yeah, we're heading out. - Yeah. - Good to see you. We're going to Daytona Beach for the week. Oh, my God, and we should have been there three fucking hours ago... ...so let's go, bitches! - Holy shit. - What? Nothing. You're just really gay. Oh, am I? Thanks, Captain Gaydar. Jesus! You know, I'm also black, right? Yeah, I know. That's funny too. So you guys wanna tag along for a bit maybe? Party some babies into us? - Absolutely not! - Absolutely not! - Why? - We have a very important tee time. Of course you do. And do you also have to take a nap before you play Mahjong? - No, it's shuffleboard. - Shuffleboard. And then early dinner at 4:00. We have a long-standing bet. Who's the better golfer. Obviously I've got the bigger 3-wood... Good. Maybe you can use it to hit your balls right into my vagina. - Holy shit! - Okay, we're going inside now. - Jesus! - Let's go. That's enough. - Bye, professor. - Thanks for lunch. Peace!
Dirty Grandpa
1m7s
Where do I know that guy from? He looks so familiar. He looks like Abercrombie fucked Fitch. Mmm, yeah, while J.Crew J'd-off. Shit! No, you guys, he was... It's so funny. He was my lab partner in photography class, freshman year. No shit! He's a Florida alum? Lenore, you can totally finish the trifecta. Oh, my God, I already have alum, remember? I fucked that crying divorced guy, Tony. - With the big balls. - Right. Yeah. - In the porta-potty. - Yeah. - At the tailgate. - Yeah. I need a professor. Wait, I'm sorry. What's the trifecta again? It's this thing I read about where in my senior year I have to fuck a freshman, an alumni, and a professor. - Where did you read that? - In my diary. Hmm. - Where I wrote it... - Yeah. He used to take the most beautiful portraits without using any filters or Photoshop... - I've read your diary. - He was amazing. Oh, my God, you did? - Yeah. - Did you like it? You guys aren't listening. I'm gonna go say hi to him. Okay? - Slut... - Cool... I hope you don't get Tommy Hilfingered. That was really late, but it still counts. Just like all my periods... - Ew. - What?
Dirty Grandpa
1m20s
All right, our team won! Let's celebrate by buying local drugs from a reputable, local drug dealer. Hey, what are you doing here? I'm selling drugs, man. I'm trying to put my kid through preschool. How honest is that! Touching my face a lot, bro. Touching my face a whole lot, man. Why don't you take some of this. This'Il mellow you out. - What is it? - E-cig, bro. "E" is for "Weed"! Sure, why not? Yeah, ooh, that's a big... That's a big one. Oh! Whoo! Just be glad you didn't smoke this, man. This is crack! - What? - Oh, yeah! This one... Oh, wait a minute... Maybe that one's crack and this one's weed. Hang on. What'd you do now, Pam? Fuck. Hold on. Which one's crack? Okay. I got this. Don't freak out. Sorry to worry you, man. You're not gonna believe this. - They're both crack. - What? And you have taken an amount that will probably kill you in about 30 minutes. - I just smoked crack? - Yeah. But just, like, a lot. I just smoked crack.
Dirty Grandpa
27.1s
Thanks for doing this, by the way. Those fuckheads down at the DMV took my goddamn license away because of these fucking cataracts in my eye. But I can still hit the shit out of a golf ball, that's for sure! I made a tee time for us in Florida for this afternoon. You can use your grandmother's lady clubs, they're right there by the front door. Okay. All right, you ready? I thought the plan was to have breakfast here? That's your breakfast. Now let's go get in that giant labia you drove up in and get the fuck out of here.
Dirty Grandpa
1m13s
How are those washed-out pictures you're taking because you still have the lighting optimizer on? They're not... Where is that? Actually, it's really hypersensitive on the new 60D model. So you have to... - Wait. What is that? - Okay, nope. - What are you doing? - Give it back, Malibu Ken. - No... - What? You did it. You turned into one of those people. I turned into one of those people that gives a shit about something? Are you gonna chain yourself to a polar bear? Only if you let me borrow... What is this, a beach sweater? - Yeah. - What, did you just come from skiing? Yeah, I skied in, just to see you save the world. - One Jell-O shot at a time. - High-five! You want me to do your back? Only if you promise to do my front first. Gladly. Oh. Whoops! That never usually happens. Really? It happens to me all the time. Well, guess who just took a shit in the water? We've been looking for you bitches all day. - Where the fuck have you been? - Uh, our car broke down in Orlando. Do you ever look at your cell phone? Awesome. Who are these cunt punches? These are our friends that we met on the way down. - Yeah. - That's Cody and Brah. They're on the lacrosse team at Florida. - This guy plays lacrosse? - All-conference, brah! Yeah? Which one, the fucking Diabetes Conference?
Dirty Grandpa
21.7s
- What's Pam's Kids? - It's my kids. I got four kids by six different women. I know, the numbers don't add up. Most of 'em are pretty developmentally disabled. One of 'em you gotta push around in a weird chair. Heyo! Now that is the generosity of the human spirit, and I appreciate that. Some of this money's gonna feed my kids, some of it's gonna get me a blowjob by a toothless whore behind a Dumpster down at the McDonald's.
Dirty Grandpa
27.6s
Yeah, I'm not really, you know, for sure... ...per say... ...what we're doing after graduation. I mean, - we have offers to play... - Blah, blah, blah... ...professional lacrosse in Europe, - but a bunch of agents - Words, words, words... also want us to start modeling, so... And again, we're talking about this fat fuck right here? You guys... Uh, you have to come see this right now.
Dirty Grandpa