Found 337 results
2m45s
What are you talking about, "father"? What, are you doing comedy for us now, Pete? Karen, we've had plenty of fathers who have stepped up, but in this case, no ID's on any birth fathers. Look, Lizzy's mom is a product of the system and she never learned to properly care for herself, much less three kids. - Three? Three kids? - Oh. What? Yeah, three. - Yeah, Lizzy... - At once? Yeah, Lizzy comes with two younger siblings, Juan and Lita. Wait, wait. So we would have... three children? No. Two, maybe, but there's no way we can do three. I mean, we wanted to meet... Oh, my gosh. - Why would you show us that? - You're an asshole. Why would you even show that? They're so cute. That's wrong. Listen, we're not gonna sugarcoat it, okay? Lita is a... a wild, rowdy kid, and Juan can be fragile and a little emotional, and Lizzy is strong-willed and she won't trust easily. - God, can you blame her? - Well, but listen. We wouldn't recommend this match if we didn't believe that with some structure and love these... these kids could blossom, right? Yeah, and we're hoping to get them out of their current foster placement. - The Muskies might lose that meal ticket. - Karen, please. Most of our foster parents are really terrific, caring people. And, yes, there are people who do it just for the paycheck. But the Muskies are not abusive or evil. - Just maybe a little... - Inbred. - Karen, there is no evidence to... - You've seen 'em. I swear they look like brother and sister. I can't tell them apart. In any case, I'd love to set up a visitation, unless you have any other concerns. It's just a visitation. So... I-I-It's just... Is it a problem... You know, the whole white savior thing? - Like the Avatar thing. - Avatar? You know how the blue guys couldn't fight off the unobtanium guys until the white guy showed up and pretended to be a blue guy? All I'm saying is, white-bread couple taking in little Latin kids. Are people gonna think we shouldn't be doing that? You know what? We'll go ahead and toss these kids back into the system and I'll just jot you down for "whites only." - Come on. I didn't mean... - Hey! No, that's not... - Don't write "whites only." That's not what he meant. - That's not at all what I meant. Pete, I appreciate your cultural sensitivity, but we have every color of kid in the system. And we have every color of parent. Every color. - Just not nearly enough. - Not nearly enough parents. - Mm-mmm. - And listen. You're gonna get some funny looks. And people are gonna say some stupid shit. But if you're willing to love these kids who need a mom and dad, and somebody has a problem with that, you just ask 'em how many goddamn kids they've adopted. - Exactly. - Hell. Shoot. I just wanted to have the Avatar talk. Now we did, so I'm good. Oh, fantastic. - You ready to meet three kids? - Three kids? - Yeah. - All right. We'll set it up.
Instant Family
58s
So, you two went out and found yourself a teenager after all, huh? - We only met her for a second. - But she made a real impression. Oh, yeah. Lizzy's such a great kid. She does really well in school. Come on back. She came into care four years ago when she was 11. Took a lot to convince her to accept placement in an adoptive home. - Her mother... - Set the house on fire, passed out with a crack pipe. - What I was gonna say... - Before I told it like it is? Before you jumped on in there, is that her mother's made a lot of promises over the years and never seems to follow through with them. Where's her mom now? Probably in an orange jumpsuit selling smokes in the yard. I'm sure that's not accurate. Huh. Turns out Lizzy's mom is finishing a sentence in county jail. Who called it, huh? Who said it? - You did. - Yeah. Looks like she's never pursued reunification or contacted her kids in over two years, so, yeah, she's pretty much a nonissue. That's terrible. What about the father?
Instant Family
44.6s
- Pete, what are you doing? - Look at them over there. Everybody's avoiding them like they're dipped in shit. I'm just gonna go say hi. Yeah, okay... Hey, Pete, Pete, just wait. I know. I think it's awful. But they're teenagers, okay? They use drugs, and they masturbate, and they watch people playing video games on YouTube. - We're not equipped for that. - What do we have to be equipped for? I'm just going to say hello. I know. I don't think we should do that. - Excuse me? Hi. - Hey. Hi. Hi! Just FYI, we can all hear you. - Hmm? - "Dipped in shit." "Masturbate," so forth. Uh, we appreciate the concern, but there's no need to go all pity crazy. We know how this works. So just go on. It's okay. Go mingle with the kiddies and don't give it another thought, okay? Have a good day, folks. Thanks. Bye-bye.
Instant Family
1m35s
I'm thankful for my beautiful grandchildren, including the... the very lucky kids that are soon to be adopted by two wonderful parents. I'm really thankful for that too. That is really inspiring stuff, you guys. Well done. Yeah, about that. Actually, we... Yeah, we've decided together not to move forward with the foster thing. Yeah, we just realized we hadn't thought it through properly, so... Yeah! Jesus Christ. This is great news. I mean, we were all being supportive to your faces, but... Yeah. We all thought you were out of your minds. I never said anything, but I'm thankful to hear this. What? Why? - Ellie, let's not. We're holding hands. - No, no, no, no. I would be thankful to know why you all have a problem with this. - Hey, I never had a problem with it. - I think it's smart. Have a couple kids without the pregnancy and the hormones and the... the rage. - Stop talking. - Ellie. All I'm saying is that we're thankful that you and Peter are gonna experience having the love of your own beautiful children rather than... - Rather than what, Jan? Just spit it out. - Hell, I'll say it. Rather than just rolling the dice with the offspring of some criminal or drug addict. To be honest, we were worried about our real kids' safety... - What? - ...were they to hang out with your kids, if they're... Damaged goods? When I was growing up, a lot of people thought I was damaged goods too. Pete, we're not talking about you, man. We're talking about crack babies and kids who have been sexually harassed. "Sexually harassed"? What do you mean? Their parents made lewd comments? - You know what I mean, wiseass. - Open your stupid eyes.
Instant Family
1m4s
- How long have everyone's eyes been open? - Kimmy, you of all people. - What if you can't have a baby? - Do not put that out into the universe, please. What if you can't? What are you gonna do? If you don't quit being so nuts about this baby thing, I swear to God, I'm gonna get pregnant again this afternoon just to spite you. - And you know I can do it. - Really? - No. - Oh. I'm sorry if we're not as politically correct as you guys, but our baby has to be our blood. - Yes! Absolutely! - Oh, my God. "Our blood." - This blood? This blood right here? - What's that supposed to mean? - Jerry, what do you think? - I'd be thankful if we could eat, Russ. You just spent 30 minutes talking about the deep state. You don't have an opinion on your own family? - None of my business. - Thank you, Daddy. I would like you all to know that thousands of children are spending Thanksgiving without any family at all. And right now I kind of envy them. But I know you guys love me. I know that I have a place to go to eat turkey and be thankful. But a lot of kids don't have that. And it's not their fault! And they're not damaged goods! So forget what I said before. It is back on! - If that's okay with you, honey. - Yee-haw, baby. Yee-haw. We're gonna adopt a whole shitwhack of kids. And I am thankful that whoever has a problem with it can fuck right off!
Instant Family
40.5s
Hi, honey. Here we are. Come in, look around. This is Meatball. A Christmas tree? Does that mean Santa comes here? - Yeah, every year. - Yay! - So, you guys are rich. - What? Ri... No. We're not rich. I mean, we're doing okay. Well... When we got this house, it was a dump. That's what we do. We renovate houses. Ellie did all the design work. Actually, everything is from swap meets and flea markets, and it's not that expensive at all. - That's crystal! Sorry. Oh, my God. - I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Uh, I shouldn't have left this out. You guys want to see your rooms? Come on. Let's go check out your room.
Instant Family
26.7s
In your heart of hearts, you know you're not good enough and you are going to get fired. Hmm? The same way you got fired from your last three jobs. And you might quit just to get some control back. Hell, you might even tip over that damn yogurt machine and walk your ass right on out of there. Just to clarify, Karen is not advocating vandalism in the workplace.
Instant Family
43.9s
Oh, no! Oh, shoot! - You did it on purpose! - What? You hit me 'cause I like the Clippers. - The Clippers are awesome. - We love the Clippers. Are you kidding me? It was so smart to get rid of Blake Griffin. That was a great trade for them. We're obsessed with the Clippers. I can't get enough of them. - They're amazing. - Okay. - Can we play hide and seek? - You sure? You lost a lot of blood. - I love hide and seek. - Okay, but just us. No girls. Oh. Sure. It's not that progressive, but no problem. - Lita, should we go play restaurants? - Yeah. You're it. I'll hide and you count. Okay? - You sure you're okay? - Yeah. - Go on, count. Count to 20. - All right, buddy. Oh, my God. You better not embarrass me at the restaurant. Potato Chips has been bad today. Bad girl!
Instant Family