Look, shitbird. You got it made! You have an extremely hot wife, and you got a beautiful house that's full of furniture and food and kids. And you make a ton of money. And you come home at the end of the day and you're surrounded by people who give a shit about you.
The Change-Up
2.1s
How are things going at home? Good?
The Change-Up
3.8s
A little treat from Uncle Mitch. Do you remember how to do this?
The Change-Up
1.4s
Come on. Really?
The Change-Up
9.2s
Yeah. I mean, come on. Yeah. Yeah, it's great. It's fantastic. - Good. - Yeah. What about you? What about Sabrina?
How did I miss this? I missed all the sex and the drugs and the bad choices, and I just fucking rushed it, didn't I? Wasn't I rushing? You were busy. Rushing to get into a good college, right? And then into a good law school. Once I got into a good law school, I just wanted to get into a good law firm. I met Jamie, we got married, we had Cara, and that was it. I pissed away my 20s, right? Now it's too late.
The Change-Up
2.7s
Open the goddamn door, Dave! Mitch?
The Change-Up
48.2s
- Tell me slow. - No, nothing. Because all Tatiana wants to do at 3:00 in the morning is fucky, fucky, rubber ducky. This chick is insatiable! She wants it in every position under the sun. God, you're so lucky. We do the Wheelbarrow, the Arabian Goggles, the Lonesome Dove, the Arsenio Hall, the Jelly Donut, the Pastrami Sandwich, the Wolfgang Puck... And let me tell you something, no man is that hungry. What? I don't even know what these are. - You're married. You're married, Dave. - That's true. Anyway, we start going at it and it gets so intense that my nose starts bleeding. Come on. This is Dracula, Anne Rice-type shit happening right in front of me. Good for you. When all is said and done, when we finish up, and the dust settles, she looks up at me, and she says, "Mitchell, next Tuesday, I am coming back here, "and we're really going to fuck."
The Change-Up
17.9s
For those of you who don't know me, my name is Mitch Planko. I was that nut sack's best man 10 years ago. Here we go. When we were kids, Dave and I, we had a lot of big plans. Dave, he was going to be an astronaut, and I was going to sell dolphins on the black market. Astronaut!
The Change-Up
3.6s
Dave, I think there's a reason that you're not walking on the moon right now.
The Change-Up
8.5s
We wished for each other's lives when we were pissing in that fucking fountain last night. We wished we had each other's lives. I was just trying to be nice! Oh, my God!
The Change-Up
4s
Hang on. Don't get up. Is this a break? Taking a break?