The Princess Bride... by S. Morgenstern. Chapter one.
The Princess Bride
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Your grandfather's here. Mom, can't you tell him I'm sick?
The Princess Bride
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- Guess what. - What?
The Princess Bride
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You feeling any better? A little bit.
The Princess Bride
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- Hi, honey. - Hi, Mom.
The Princess Bride
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Yeah, it's reallygood. "Nothing gave Buttercup as much pleasure as ordering Westley around." Farm boy, polish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning. As you wish. "'As you wish' was all he ever said to her." Farm boy, fill these with water. Please? As you wish. "That day, she was amazed to discover that when he was saying 'as you wish, ' what he meant was 'I love you. ' And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back." Farm boy. Fetch me that pitcher? As you wish. Hold it. Hold it. What is this? Are you tryin' to trick me? Wh-Where's the sports? Is this a kissing book? Wait. Just wait. Well, when does it get good? All right, keep your shirt on. Let me read.
The Princess Bride
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- Does it got any sports in it? - Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles. Doesn't sound too bad. - I'll try and stay awake. - Oh. Well, thank you very much. That's very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming.
The Princess Bride
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"Buttercup was raised on a small farm in the country of Florin. Her favorite pastimes were riding her horse and tormenting the farm boy that worked there. His name was Westley, but she never called him that." Isn't that a wonderful beginning?
The Princess Bride
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I think I'll leave you two pals alone. I brought ya a special present. - What is it? - Open it up.
The Princess Bride
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You're sick. That's why he's here. He'll pinch my cheek. I hate that. Maybe he won't.
The Princess Bride
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Hear this now.
The Princess Bride
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Do you know what that sound is, Highness? Those are the shrieking eels! If you don't believe me, just wait. They always grow louder when they're about to feed on human flesh! If you swim back now, I promise, no harm will come to you. I doubt you'll get such an offer from the eels.
The Princess Bride
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Put her down. Just put her down.
The Princess Bride
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Stop doing that! We can all relax. It's almost over. - You are sure nobody's follow us? - As I told you, it would be absolutely, totally and in all other ways inconceivable. No one in Guilder knows what we've done. And no one in Florin could've gotten here so fast. Out of curiosity, why do you ask? No reason. Suddenly, I just happened to look behind us and something is there. What? Probably some local fisherman out for a pleasure cruise at night through eel-infested waters.
The Princess Bride
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"Do you know what that sound is, Highness? Those are the shrieking eels." We're past that, Grandpa. You read it already. Oh... Oh, my goodness. I did. I'm sorry. Beg your pardon. All right, all right. Let's see. She was in the water. The eel was comin' after her. She was frightened. The eel started to charge her, and then...
The Princess Bride
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She doesn't get eaten by the eels at this time. - What? - The eel doesn't get her. I'm explaining to you because you look nervous. Uh... I wasn't nervous. Well, maybe I was a little bit concerned, but that's not the same thing. Because we can stop now if you want. No, you could read a little bit more, if you want. Mmm.
The Princess Bride
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- Why are you doing that? - Making sure nobody's follow us. That would be inconceivable. Despite what you think, you will be caught. And when you are, the prince will see you all hanged. Of all the necks on this boat, Highness, the one you should be worrying about is your own.
The Princess Bride
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What? Go in! Get after her! I don't swim. I only dog paddle.