Duration: 1m35s

- Oh, fuck me. - Look at those nipples. They're like little baby toes. It's not fair they get to flaunt that stuff... ...and I have to hide every erection I get. You know what I do? I flip my boner up into my waistband. It hides it and it feels awesome. I almost blew a load into my bellybutton. I mean, just imagine if girls weren't weirded out by our boners... ...and just, like, wanted to see them. I mean, that's the world I one day wanna live in. It's been two years since I've seen an actual human female nipple. Shauna? Shauna was two years ago now? Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. But she was insanely hot. Exactly. She was too hot, okay? That's what sucks. How can that suck? I'd be psyched if I got with her. You got, like, two dozen handjobs. Yes, and three-quarters of a blowjob, but who's counting? Look, it was the peak of my ass-getting career... ...and it happened way too early. - You're like Orson Welles. - Exactly! If I'd paced myself, I'd be having at least steady sex... ...with a decent-looking girl. I honestly see now why Orson Welles ate his fat ass to death. You'll have sex in college, everyone does. But the point is to be good at sex by the time you get to college. You don't want girls thinking you suck dick at fucking pussy. I still think you have a chance with Jules. She got incredibly hot over last summer... ...and she obviously hasn't realized it yet... ...because she's still talking to you and flirting with you. Are you out of your mind? Look at Jules' dating record, okay? She dated Dan Remick, who's had a six-pack since, like, kindergarten. Jason Stone, who looks like fucking Zack Morris. And Matt Muir. Matt Muir. He's the sweetest guy ever. Have you ever stared into his eyes? It was like the first time I heard the Beatles.